Big news in the European science community. Scientists this week determined that the core of the earth is 9.2% hotter than measurements taken before, with a margin for error of 8.6%.*
The results were reported by a consortium of organizations known to outsiders as the Gallic Initiative for Government Grants to Liquefy Everything (GIGGLE)**.
The new temperature data was determined by squeezing some iron really really hard, and then making assumptions about the center of the earth without going there. A new temperature was needed because the old one didn’t explain why Earth has a magnetic field. This left European researchers “puzzled” for two decades. Declining birth rates in Europe meant that no small children were available to explain that if the old number didn’t explain reality, that number was probably wrong.
Debate continues about the reasons for the new, higher temperature. Most leading European scientists place the blame on Mole People tooling around in their SUVs, and then leaving carbon footprints all over their nice, clean subterranean civilization (which was just shampooed last week, thank you very much!). Others blamed the production of digestive gasses by mole cows. Still others blamed the sequester.
In spite of their differences, the factions were united in their demand for more government grant money.
Next on the agenda is a joint study with the British Institute for Getting Grants for Exploding Stuff and Things (BIGGEST) to measure solar radiation by squeezing some plutonium until it detonates, and then making assumptions about the sun without going there.
* For mathematical comparison, this is the equivalent of telling a woman she looks 23, melting the Barbie doll she had as a child, and then telling here she looks 25 +/- 22 months..
** This is not a real European organization. If it were, the acronym would be a Word Jumble (EIGGGL), like all other European organizations (CERN, FIFA, etc.)
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