Starting at the beginning


Starting at the beginning

As the world wastes millions of man-hours (and zillions of woman-hours) following the antics of the British monarchy, a few observations:

1) As far as I can tell from the headlines on the internet, young William and Katherine have decided to name their child “Royal Baby”. I don’t like to be judgmental about what people name their children (Disclaimer: I am extremely judgmental about what people name their children), but I’m not sure about this. Sure, it sounds very dignified and all, but I predict that by the end of the year, “Royal Baby” will be the 7th most popular name in the English-speaking world. As we speak, Jennifer Love Hewitt and Penelope Cruz are preparing to enter Thunderdome to determine which of them will get to name her child “Royale Babee”.

2) When viewing pictures of young Prince Royal, it is best to remember the following guidelines. There are two kinds of babies: babies that look like every other baby, and babies that look weird. New mothers are biologically incapable of distinguishing between the two, but it is immediately obvious to others. When viewing the first type of baby, the proper initial response is “Oh, how cute!” When viewing the second type of baby, the proper initial response is “Oh, how cute!” If you have trouble keeping a poker face, it also helps to tell the mother that she looks 23.

3) Based on initial photos released from Buckingham Palace, Royal Baby bears a striking resemblance to Sir Not-Appearing-in-this-Film (pictured above) from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

4) I don’t know what you did yesterday, but young Royal B. Windsor managed to work his way up to third in line to the throne of Great Britain, cutting in front of his Uncle Harry. I applaud his initiative, and dismiss as sour grapes any scurrilous rumors (including rumours) that he got the job just because his great-grandmother is Queen of England. In the long run, this is for the best. If you can’t hold your place in line against a 1-day old baby, you’re probably not the right person to be a professional figurehead.

(Disclaimer: Little R.B. managed to do this while spending most of the day naked and wrapped in a blanket, so you can’t use that excuse.)

5) With the next three generations of the British throne in male hands, I predict a publishing boom as new copies of “The King’s English” are made available to replace “The Queen’s English” currently in bookstores and on Amazon. After the whole “Keep on Lorryin'” fiasco that accompanied R. Crumb’s iconic comic in 1968 (Kids, ask your hippie grandparents), I look forward to the updates.

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