Premium prognostications on ice

Down the street from my house is a little convenience store called Grocery Boy Jr.

I have always wondered about this name.  The appellation “Jr.” implies that somewhere there is or was a Grocery Boy Sr.  I don’t know, maybe it’s a family name.  But you would think that someone who had grown up with the name Grocery Boy and lived long enough to reproduce would be loath to stick his son with that name.  That’s just cruel.  I’m hoping that it was a compromise to keep peace in the family.

Grocery Boy: My mother wants us to name our kid Caractacus, after her father.

Elizabeth Boy: No, I dated a boy named Caractacus in high school, and he ruined our prom.  My mother is on me to name him Royal Baby, because she thinks it sounds noble.

Grocery: Hmmm… Royal Baby Caractacus Boy.  No, too ordinary.  Didn’t the Johnsons down the street name their son Royal Baby?

Elizabeth: No, that was their daughter.  You’re thinking of the Willises from church.

Grocery: Right.  I remember seeing their baby last week and saying, “Oh, how cute!”

Elizabeth: You always say that.  Why don’t we just split the difference and name him after you?

Grocery:  Hmmm.. Grocery Boy Junior… I hated that name as a kid, but if it’ll keep peace with your mother and mine, I suppose it’s a small price to pay.

Anyway, as I was saying, there’s a convenience store near my house.  Near the front door there is a freezer containing bags of ice for sale.  But as the sandwich board sign on the other side of the door indicates, this is no ordinary ice.  Au contraire,  this is “Premium Ice”.  What’s the difference, you ask?  After a little research, here’s what I discovered:

Premium ice is the richest kind of ice, made with only the finest, all-natural ingredients.  First, hydrogen atoms from the sun (“Nature’s hydrogen farm”) are flown in daily on the solar wind.  Next, only the choicest oxygen atoms are harvested at the peak of freshness, brimming with the perfect balance of protons and electrons.  These ingredients are mixed in large oaken barrels by the famous Ice Ranchers of the Yukon, then aged in authentic arctic caves.  When the ice is bursting with flavor, it is lovingly hand-crafted into cubes, bagged immediately to seal in the juices, and rushed to you, full of that just-frozen coldness you can’t get from the factory-made ice sold in big supermarket chains.

Right now, you’re thinking to yourself, “That sounds expensive!  How can I afford premium ice on my food budget?”  (Disclaimer: You’re not really thinking this.)

That’s the best part.  On the sandwich board, right below where it says “Premium Ice”, the following claim is made:

10 lb. Bag – Guaranteed 98 cents for the next 98 years!

That’s right, all day, every day, from now until the year 2111, premium ice will be available for less that TEN CENTS A POUND!  Long after Grocery Boy Jr. has become a Grocery Grandpa (Disclaimer: A much cooler name), long after the store’s owner has gone to that Deep Freeze in the sky, people will be enjoying premium ice for pennies a day.  I myself already have plans to kick back on my 150th birthday with a big, heaping glass of premium ice, assuming the monkey overlords don’t use it all to keep their robot arms from overheating.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s