Dateline: Cape Town, South Africa – As horrified onlookers looked on in horror, an army of highly-trained combat baboons stormed through the city this past weekend.
The baboons, using tactics learned from the SAS (Simian Attack Squad, a known baboon terrorist cell operating out of the Cape Peninsula), swarmed through the city in search of resources to further their conquest of humanity.
Animal behavior expert Rachel Noser, who spent 16 months embedded with the SAS, said that the baboons believe they rank higher in the pecking order than humans, “And therefore they think they are entitled to everything that these people have with them.”
The baboons have been photographed sitting on vehicles and stealing sandwiches from picnics since the 1950’s, according to ape apologist Jenni Trethowan. Authorities have been investigating Ms. Trethowan on suspicions that she may be the ruthless criminal mastermind known as Baboon Lady.
Some townsfolk have been mystified by the organization’s goals, but hints have emerged from this most recent attack. Two baboons, identified from file footage as “Moby” and “Quandi”, kidnapped a teddy bear from a Cape Town apartment complex. The bear (seen above) was rescued unharmed by agents of South Africa’s elite Paintball and Pepper Spray Rangers (PAPSR). One Ranger, who requested anonymity because he didn’t want his mother to know he had given up a promising career as an accountant to fight monkeys with paintball guns and pepper spray, told officials that he overheard one of the baboons call the teddy bear “Ruxpin” before fleeing the scene.
Investigators believe this to be a reference to Theodore Ruxpin, the reclusive half-robot/half-teddy bear (“cybearg”) millionaire. Ruxpin was last seen reading to children in 2005. It is believed that the baboons plan was to kidnap the cybearg and control his robotic arms with their minds.
Interpol believes that Moby and Quandi may in fact be M and Q, the notorious leaders of the British terrorist group Monkey Initiative 6 (MI-6). The British Secret Service offered a quantum of solace for the people of Cape Town as they recovered from the attack.
No arrests have been made after the incident.
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