In sports medicine news, the NFL this week established new rules restricting the amount of fun the game of football can be.
Statistical studies done after the 2012-13 NFL season showed that professional football players experienced an average of 2.9 IBMs (International Barrels of Monkeys) worth of fun every week. This level of fun was approximately 2.9 IBMs more fun that conducting a statistical study, according to data provided by Price Waterhouse Coopers. Former pro football analyst Rush Limbaugh described the results as “more fun than a human being should be allowed to have.”
The proscribed activities include: “sack dances; home run swing; incredible hulk; spiking the ball; spinning the ball; throwing or shoving the ball; pointing; pointing the ball; verbal taunting; military salute; standing over an opponent (prolonged and with provocation); or dancing.”
Reactions inside the NFL were largely negative, particularly with regards to the ban on “incredible hulk”:
- The Minnesota Vikings and Nike cancelled a joint press conference featuring the introduction of a new uniform design featuring a shredded jersey atop their traditional purple pants that don’t reach the ankle.
- In Washington, team owner Daniel Snyder scrapped plans to rename his franchise the Washington Greenskins.
- A discrimination lawsuit was filed against the NFL by the Society for the Protection of Irradiated Mutants, claiming that the new rules unfairly stigmatized Gamma-Americans.
- Chicago Bears DE Julius Peppers filed an appeal with the league, claiming that at 6’6″ and 283 pounds, he was a very credible hulk.
- After learning of the prohibition against throwing the ball, the New England Patriots released QB Tom Brady and announced that Tim Tebow would be the new starting quarterback.
- The Cleveland Browns dismissed the new ruling, pointing out that no Browns player had celebrated at any level since 2007.
The announcement of the crackdown had ripple effects outside the NFL as well:
- MLB Commissioner Bud Selig announced that the home run swing would no longer be permitted in major league baseball. In addition, games will now include second- and fourth-inning stretches, in order to give the players time to calm down.
- The NCAA announced that the ban on military salutes would be optional at the annual Army-Navy game.
- The International Federation of Mathletes (FIM) applauded the announcement and predicted greater attendance at mathletic events this season.
- Monkey barrel futures plummeted on the Chicago Board of Exchange as the Organization of Primate Entertaining Countries (OPEC) announce voluntary cutbacks in the production of barrels of monkeys.
- The International Olympic Committee suspended efforts to develop a scoring system for shooting cheerleaders out of spring-loaded cannons, virtually insuring that competitive cheerleading would not be recognized at the 2016 Summer Olympics.
- Major League Soccer is not expected to institute a similar ban, choosing to rely on its existing ban on scoring points to continue to dampen enthusiasm in the US.
The rules are to be instituted during the 2013 preseason, where indifference will limit any excessive celebration while the kinks are worked out. No one is expecting any noticeable change.
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