In death laser news, scientists in England have found what they consider to be a good reason to shoot lasers at people.
Scientists at Lancaster University have developed a machine that uses lasers to determine how long you are going to live, on a scale of 0 to 100, 0 meaning you are already dead, and 100 meaning that you are immortal.
The test works by firing hundreds of lasers at vaguely human-shaped abstract art (pictured above), and then making guesses about the future without going there.
The death laser has been under development for some time. Early tests on volunteer students showed mixed results. Of the 72 test subjects, every one registered a score of 0. Curiously, none of the students stayed in the lab long enough to correlate the findings. These early results had to be discarded once the team realized that they had the laser power set too high, but were encouraged by the accuracy of the machine’s predictions. As compensation, the families of the students were given 4 credits each toward graduation.
The current phase of testing involves firing the laser at passers-by from the roof of the science lab to derive a random sampling of scores. Once the data is tabulated, the subjects are evaluated relative to their scores, using a double-blind methodology.
“It’s very important to us that we be able to correlate the machine’s results with a person’s actual lifespan,” one researcher explained. “To do this, we have contracted an independent organization to create what we call Human Investigation and Tracking, or HIT teams. When a person nears the predicted end of their lifespan, a HIT man or woman is dispatched to collect information about the targeted person’s state of life or death, and report back.”
To date, the research team has reported encouraging results. Of the 42 men and women targeted with the laser, all but one have died within 24 hours of the arrival of the HIT person. The remaining case has not been resolved, as the person involved has not been located.
Government and medical organizations have expressed great interest in the machine. One government representative, who requested anonymity because he was spying for a foreign power, suggested that a portable version of the machine would be invaluable in a zombie apocalypse, once the problem of generating negative numbers to indicate undead status was solved.
The professors who patented the machine are hoping to come up with a more user-friendly version of the machine, which will convert the laser readings into smiley and frowny faces instead of numbers.
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