Dateline: Emmen, Netherlands — Just weeks after baboon attacks in Cape Town, South Africa, another terrorist monkey cell has been uncovered in Holland. The group, believed to be a militant wing of the ape separatist group Netherlands Primate Revolution (NPR), seemed to be engaged in clandestine activities in the area of the Emmen Zoo.
Surveillance footage of a meeting in Emmen showed over 100 baboons sitting quietly, their faces shielded from onlookers, engaged in behavior described by some as “not normal”. Efforts to get the baboons to disperse were met with passive resistance.
Biologist Wijbren Landman believes that the unusual behavior is being managed behind the scenes by a charismatic leader. Rumors have been swirling for weeks that the Cape Town attacks were being orchestrated by Moby and Quandi, known to the British Secret Service as M and Q, respectively. The cell leader in Holland is believed to be one of M’s trusted lieutenants, known only by the code name “Emmen M”. A psychological profile of Emmen M describes him as cold and and borderline psychotic. “He’s got this hard outer shell, but inside he’s nuts,” says the report.
Wijbren Landman, a Dutch expert on the simian supremacy movement, explained that the organization’s fanatical beliefs give the top monkeys extensive influence over the others. “If one of the leaders is shocked by something, then most of the colony will obey him,” said Landman.
Experts have varying opinions of what triggered this latest incident. Monkey apologists such as NPR and the Unified Primate Initiative (UPI) are dismissing the strange behavior as “depression” or “melancholy”. Landman himself suggested alien influence, but crowd-sourced communication with the peaceful star-dwelling creatures of Gliese 526 continue to be stymied by the inability to confirm their existence.
The most compelling theory put forward is that the baboon collective was drawn to the area by a secret earthquake. The absence of any evidence of an earthquake demonstrates the level of secrecy made possible by the apes’ security apparatus.
However, one intelligence analyst, who requested anonymity because all his friends were requesting anonymity, believes that recent work at Harvard on human mind control of rat tails has accelerated monkey research into robot arm telepathy, which is suspected to have caused secret earthquakes in 1994, 1997, and 2007.
Reports that the baboons “seemed to cheer up” after their clandestine activities have some in the defense community expecting further incidents in the coming weeks. The U.S. State Department said the threat level remains unchanged at Orangutan, indicating a high likelihood of monkey business.
The United Nations has called for a special committee to investigate why the Netherlands is called Holland and the people are called Dutch.
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