If you can’t say something positive…

Tonight at 11: Are your bananas trying to kill you?  We’ll tell you what you need to know.

– Every local TV station reporting this story

In antimatter news, bananas generate antimatter.

The study, released by the American Society for Googling Stuff (ASGS), indicates that the potassium found in ordinary bananas has isotopes, and “some fraction” of them emit a positron when they decay.

The positron (from the Latin for “positive particle”) is one of the three fundamental building blocks (or “trons”) of the universe discovered by the ancient Greeks.  The other two are the electron (“democratically chosen particle”) and the megatron (“transforming particle”).

Positrons and electrons hate each other, and should they meet, they annihilate each other, releasing a single photon.  Single photons are used in astronomy as a communications medium with distant interstellar civilizations to convey the message, “Please accept this photon as a gift with our thanks.”

When large amounts of matter and antimatter are brought together, they combine to form either warp drive or giant explosions, depending on physics.  (Disclaimer: Closed system with professional physicist.  Do not attempt at home.)

The amount of positronic radiation generated by a single banana can be as high as one positron every hour and a quarter, which is about as long as the classic 1931 Boris Karloff film Bride of Frankenstein.  At this rate, a single banana split could annihilate all the electrons in a human body is as little as 3 billion trillion trillion years.

Some cultures have known about the dangers of positrons for hundreds of years.  This knowledge has been handed down to the present in the form of folk tales:

– Knock knock.
– Who’s there?
– Banana.
Banana who?
– Knock knock.
Who’s there?
– Banana.
Banana who?
– Knock knock.
Who’s there?
– Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn’t expose you to 50% more positrons by saying “Banana” again?
– For this I stopped watching Bride of Frankenstein?

Some in the scientific community are seeking peaceful uses of positronic bananas, but others see military applications.  One Air Force general, who requested anonymity because he was only a colonel, predicted that within the decade, weaponized positronic bananas (WPBs) could be the only thing standing between humanity and the monkey apocalypse.

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