Sneaking up on the solar system

Sneaking up on the solar system

In space espionage news, Japan confirmed reports this week that it has plans to begin spying on planets right here in our own solar system.

Plans are underway to launch a Japanese spy satellite called SPRINT-A (Spy Probe Ready for Interplanetary Network Taps – Any day now) with the express purpose of tapping phone lines and e-mails on planets such as Mars, Venus, and Jupiter.

“What with all the spying going on already, we figured the Earth market was pretty much saturated. We wanted to get a jump on interplanetary espionage before this pond is all fished out”, explained one Japanese official.

Several Russian infiltration probes have attempted to do reconnaisance on Venus by going there and putting an ear to the atmosphere. In each case, the probes were apprehended. Declassified Kremlin records show that the captured probes “couldn’t take the heat, and cracked under pressure”.

SPRINT-A (artist’s conception pictured above) plans to avoid these clandestine failures by not actually going to any of the places it spies on. “Venus has tons of atmosphere, and Mars has practically none,” said a spokesman for the Japanese Aerospace Exploration Agency (JAEA). “And Jupiter’s practically made of atmosphere! We believe that Jupiter is operating some kind of atmosphere-running cartel out of Venus. Our intention is to gather evidence that we can present to the World Court, to stop the oppression of the atmosphere-loving people of Mars. Assuming there are any.”

One engineer, who spoke on condition of anonymity because he knew the mission would be scrubbed tomorrow, said that Jupiter’s involvement might be a front for separatists from Io, one of Jupiter’s moons. Io recently launched a plasma torus, a giant donut made of blood, into orbit. The inhabitants of Io, called Ions, were recently discovered to be crashing into electrons to create ultraviolet light, which makes the torus look really cool.

Officials at Sprint Corporation denied involvement, and said that they would be considering legal action for copyright infringement.

(Click on the picture to read the original article.)

Update: Never mind.

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