In renegade architecture news, police in London have detained a local skyscraper in connection with unprovoked attacks on a car and a doormat.
The edifice, known only as Walkie Talkie of 20 Fenchurch St., London, is under investigation for melting a nearby Jaguar and burning the Welcome mat of a local barbershop. Mat owner Ali Akay said that he had warned the police about bad blood between the structure and the doormat, stemming from an incident involving footprints on a nice clean floor. He insisted that the police do something. “This is a health and safety issue,” he said, referring to the inability of his customers to wipe their feet upon entering his shop. The mat (pictured above immediately after the attack) is resting comfortably in front of London General Hospital. The building has been instructed not to leave town.
Three parking spaces have been suspended in connection with the attack on the Jaguar, which may be the work of a copycat.
Officials with the Federal Bureau of Investigation in Los Angeles are exploring connections between this attack and similar ones conducted by the Walt Disney Concert Hall, which was convicted of attacks on a Mercedes-Benz and a sidewalk in 2005. The investigation is ongoing.
Scotland Yard announced that it had received information in the mail about future attacks. The letter, which requested anonymity because it was cut out of various magazines, promised attacks “about two hours a day” would continue “for another two to three weeks”. No demands were announced to the press.
Skyscraper representatives from Land, Securities, Canary & Wharf attempted to deflect criticism of their client by implicating the sun. “The phenomenon is caused by the elevation of the sun in the sky.” Members of Parliament are considering legislation to ban the elevation of the sun during the day.
British Secret Service agents are looking into possible political motives for the attack. Theories being discussed include a coordinated attack from ant colonies seeking retribution for recent magnifying glass atrocities in the U.K., as well as local militias arming in preparation for baboon assaults similar to recent incidents in Cape Town, South Africa.
British law allows the building to be tried as a minor if the offense occured prior to its expected completion in 2014.
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