Rock in the stars

asteroid-robot

In asteroid rights news, activists are outraged at NASA plans to hunt down innocent asteroids for use by humans.

NASA announced an amazing mission to send a robot (pictured above) to the asteroid belt to hunt down three asteroids and bring them to Earth for study.

One activist, who was born anonymous, objected to having the asteroids dragged to Earth. “Asteroids were born to roam free among their own kind. It is the height of cruelty to rip young asteroids from their mothers and send them halfway across the solar system. And the idea that people and even commercial companies could go back and routinely visit, like some sort of space zoo, is outrageous!”

NASA plans to spend $100 million on the mission, which is projected to cost $2 billion. The administration explained that, according to Government Advanced Accounting Principles (GAAP), allocating only 5% of what the project will cost will guarantee success. Planetoid rights activists claim that the savings will come at the expense of the care and comfort of the asteroid. A spokesman for the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Asteroids (ASPCA) told reporters, “When it comes to transporting stuff through space, it’s always the asteroids that suffer. I bet you won’t see the robotic spacecraft being exposed to the cold vacuum of space!”

Another space environmentalist, who achieved anonymity, said the plan to put the captured planetoid in orbit around the moon was discriminatory. “Humans put stuff in orbit around the Earth all the time, but suddenly, this majestic stone isn’t good enough for Earth orbit, and has to be relegated to second-class status orbiting another satellite?”

A NASA spokesman told an interviewer for the Planet Planet cable channel that asteroids like the moon, and have visited it numerous times over the past 300 million years. “Besides, the moon has wanted a moon of its own for years, and its geological clock is ticking.”

One ASPCA member, who had anonymity thrust upon him, objected to the principle of uprooting asteroids for use on Earth. “Life forms have asserted dominance over every inch of this planet. If we start stealing asteroid young for our own purposes, pretty soon humans will start encroaching on the asteroid habitats between Mars and Jupiter.”

A document posted on the Wikileaks site quotes one NASA associate administrator as saying, “It’s not just a one-time thing.” Concerns that the asteroid population could be hunted to extinction were dismissed. “There could be some environmental disruption in the short term, but the plans are already underway to design space dinosaurs that can take rocks from Earth and replant them in the asteroid belt, just like Martian space dinosaurs brought rocks to Earth ten thousand years ago.”

A senior scientist at the NASA Near-Earth Object Program Office defended the choosing of targets, saying that the asteroid belt started the conflict by staging mass extinctions on Earth, and that the captured planetoid would allow the Earth to develop its own belt of asteroids, purely for defensive purposes. An asteroid leader, known only as “Ceres”, claimed that the extinction events were preemptive strikes in response to attempts by Earth dinosaurs to plant boron and molybdenum in the belt and later claim asteroid life had originated on Earth.

The chief spokesman for the space agency said that the project is amazing, and will reinvigorate interest in spending money on the space program.

A press release from the Asteroid Liberation Front (ALF) said that the group would oppose the hunting. The ALF is reportedly sending its 400,000 members to chain themselves to every charted asteroid in an effort to thwart the NASA expedition.

(Click on the photo to read the original story.)

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One thought on “Rock in the stars

  1. It’s all very well bleeting about the rights of the astroids, but these young rocks are roaming around the solar system, often after dark, without supervision. There must be order around the the Earth. Many of these young asteroids will not amount to very much; by bringing them into the sphere of a planet they can lead a useful life, like the older moons. They can pull tides for instance. It’s hats off to NASA for me, about time too! – yours truly – anonymous.

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