Dragons: The Line

Dragons: The Line

A new paper published by cosmologists in Canada has caused a stir by challenging the conventional wisdom that the universe was created by space dragons.

The paper by astrophysicist Niayesh Afshordi of the Perimeter Institute for Theoretical Physics suggests that the beginning of the universe is “just a mirage”, and that what really happened is that a 4-dimensional black hole exploded, spitting out a universe.

Afshordi scoffed at years of settled science with his announcement. “For all physicists know, dragons could have come flying out of the singularity.” He said a Big Bang would be a violent outburst that would not have led to uniform inflation.

One local cosmetologist, who requested anonymity because her expertise was in hair styling and makeup, explained the theory to reporters. “See, the fourth dimension picks up large quantities of 3D universes to save money. These bulk universes can be stored in 4-dimensional freezers for months before they go bad. Then when 4D guests come over the horizon for an event, the host can just pop one of these universes in the microwave and BANG, instant ready-to-serve universe!” According to this theory, the period of inflation in the early universe is attributed to the economics of buying universes individually rather than in bulk.

Cosmologists have been unable to directly observe the Big Bang due to a loophole in the Laws of Physics. Current theories about the formation of the universe rely on oral historical accounts passed down from space dragon elders. The Afshordi proposal uses work done in 2000 by physicist Gia Dvali to make guesses about the contents of the fourth dimension without ever going there.

Scientists discovered the Fifth Dimension in Los Angeles in 1966. Since that time, dimensionologists have been searching for another dimension to plug the black hole between dimensions 3 and 5, with no luck to date.

One concern facing the new theory is that new data from the European Space Agency show the exploding 4D black hole model diverges from observed fluctuations in the cosmic background radiation by 4%. Afshordi is planning on refining his model once he figures out whether his predictions are 4% too high or 4% too low. Dvali praised this approach to the problem, saying “they have rewritten history so that we never encountered it.”

The announcement has generated widespread hostility within the space dragon community. Dragon spokesman Nyaaaaarrrrgh issued a strongly worded statement condemning the new theory. “We dragons spent too much time cooped up in a cramped singularity to let an insult like this pass. My ancestors spent years smoothing out the cosmic microwave background radiation so cosmologists would have something uniform and homogeneous to look at. To say nothing of the fire breathing they had to do to inflate the early universe. Dragon-deniers like Dr. Afshordi put an ugly face on the entire field of cosmology and cosmetology.”

Actress Mayim Bialik of the Consortium of Hot and/or Bright Stars announced that the hit TV series The Big Bang Theory would be changing its name to The Exploding 4-Dimensional Black Hole Brane Theory when it premieres next week.

(Click on the impression of a 4D black hole by artist Victor de Schwanberg to read the original article.)

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