The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) has released stunning new satellite photos (shown above) indicating the extent to which the Earth has been affected by global widening.
“These photographs show an undeniable change in global ovaling over the last 50 years,” one environmentalist explained. “Data amassed from elementary school globes in 35 countries show that the Earth used to be a sphere, more or less.”
Astronomers warned that, left unchecked, environmental widening could have devastating effects on the ecosystem. “We’ve seen this happen on Eggworld. Eventually, the stress of expansion at the equator could crack the Earth’s shell and snap Africa in half. The resulting spread of planetary yolk could have devastating effects on human cholesterol.”
An EPA study warned that the problem would get worse without severe and immediate action around the world. The report suggested several concrete steps individuals and world governments can take to stop the spread of Earth spreading. Some of the recommendations include:
- Passing a United Nations resolution to ban the widening of highways in the developed world
- Election reform measures to reduce incidents of wide margins in election results
- A cessation of morning coffee consumption to reduce the number of people who are wide awake
- Security devices built into all doors and windows manufactured after 2000 to prevent them from being left wide open
- Outlawing the production, sale, and use of EEE-width shoes
- A program of accelerated building construction to cut down on the amount of wide open spaces
The NFL announced that it is considering fines on teams that throw passes to wide receivers.
Plans by President Barack Obama to deliver a speech from the Oval Office were roundly decried as being tone-deaf. The speech has been moved to Dupont Circle in Washington, DC.
Scientists at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) dismissed concerns about global ovalization as no cause for alarm. One meteorologist, who spoke on condition of anonymity because she had a wide range of interests, blamed ice buildup at the North and South poles. “This is perfectly normal global squeezing brought about by a buildup of ice at the poles relative to the equator. Simply move some ice from the Arctic Circle to Panama and Indonesia and the problem will solve itself.”
She stated that the real problem facing humanity was the continued increase in global bluing seen in recent NOAA photographs (shown below) NOAA experts believe excessive bluification threatens to overwhelm Earth’s color diversity, resulting in a featureless planet. “If nothing is done, by the year 2100 Earth could be nothing more than a big blue marble.”
(Disclaimer: the white scratches on the photo were made by children attempting to sniff the photographs during a recent “Take Your Child to NOAA Day” event.)
(Click on the Third Oval from the Sun to read the original story.)