In ape news, an unruly Dallas silverback is being deported to South Carolina.
Patrick, 23, is being sent to solitary confinement after a series of incidents involving other gorillas at the Dallas Zoo.
Patrick has spent the last 18 years in Dallas, where he was described by neighborhood primates as “a Western lowland gorilla” and a loner. Attempts to integrate him into the local gorilla community have been unsuccessful, leading to speculation that he has been radicalized by reports of monkey uprisings in South Africa and the Netherlands.
One of the zoo’s other four male gorillas, who used sign language to request either anonymity or some fruit, described Patrick’s antisocial behavior. “We’ve been trying to form a cohesive bachelor group for a while now. We had the gang over to watch the Cowboys play the Rams on Sunday. Then in the middle of the second quarter, in strolls Patrick — no pants, drunk out of his mind — and starts treating the female gorillas with indifference and aggression. So we called the zoo cops and had him escorted out.”
A zoo spokesman said that Patrick (shown above still not wearing pants) is originally from the Bronx. Shortly after birth he was taken from his abusive mother and sent to live in a foster home in Toronto. Much of his antisocial personality traces back to the primitive conditions of his Canadian upbringing, where he had to be hand-raised due to the unavailability of the expensive robotic ape-raising technology used in the United States.
Dallas Zoo officials became worried when Patrick started working on zoo presentations about gorillas. The head veteranarian claimed that he was affable with humans, but that his PowerPoint slides often contained disturbing images of monkeys controlling robot arms with their minds. For years, rumors have swirled around the silverback of being “extremely intelligent” and “adept at using tools”, both violations of international primate treaties.
The date of Patrick’s move to a pants-optional secure location in South Carolina is a closely held secret. Homeland Security officials are concerned that radical monkey movements like the African Simian Assault Squad (SAS) and the Dutch Netherlands Primate Revolution (NPR) could see this as an opportunity to help Patrick escape custody and bring the Monkey Apocalypse that much closer to fruition.
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