The wonderful thing about Tikker

Too much time on my wrist

In death watch news, a Swedish inventor has figured out a way to tell when your goose is cooked without shooting lasers at you.

Fredrik Colting is the creator of Tikker, a watch which knows how long you’ll live, and tells you exactly when you can expect to start pushing up daisies.

Colting calls Tikker “The Happiness Watch”. “Tikker’s a wonderful thing!  From New Year’s Eve to space launches, people love countdowns.  Now you can literally count the days until Happiness arrives.”

“From years to seconds it presents time ever moving, never standing still, and our lives dwindling towards the final rest,” said Cotling, smiling broadly. “Yep, closer and closer, like a hunter stalking his prey, the Glad Reaper reaches out his icy fingers of joy.”

The countdown clock is initialized based on a questionnaire filled out by the prospective corpse. The questionnaire asks about personal habits and medical history in order to calculate a self-destruction quotient (SDQ).  Tikker then uses the SDQ and complex math (Disclaimer: this might just be long division) to make guesses about the rest of your life without having to be there.

A sampling of the survey questions:

  • Are you already dead? (Skip to end of questionnaire.)
  • Are you immortal? (Skip to end of questionnaire.)
  • Have you ever:  (select all that apply)
    • Desecrated Native American burial grounds?
    • Stolen the jeweled eye from a sarcophagus?
    • Insulted an old gypsy woman?
    • Sold or rented your soul for financial or personal gain?
  • Is your home: (select all that apply)
    • built atop a cemetery?
    • the site of horrific rituals that resulted in the death of innocents?
    • the gateway to one or more hell dimensions?
  • Are you wanted by: (select all that apply)
    • the law? (indicate dead or alive)
    • the mob?
    • any form of cartel?
    • No, I’m completely unwanted.
  • Have you traveled back in time to change events in your past? (select one)
    • Yes, and I have succeeded, but I’m now my own grandfather.
    • Yes, but the past cannot be changed.
    • No, not yet.
    • Depends on the results of this questionnaire.

Previous attempts to pinpoint time of Happiness in advance have relied on the use of unwieldy death lasers, which require an expensive network of Human Investigation and Tracking (HIT) teams to follow customers around and ensure death predictions are accurate. The Tikker system uses a network of strategic antennas (NSA) which monitor the wearer 24 hours a day wherever they are, and can instantly send a high-voltage signal when the watch reaches 0:00:00 to determine the Happiness status of the wearer.

(Disclaimer: A tip of the hat to the hardworking spybots at the NSA, an essential department of any government. Please do not send drones to monitor my Happiness.)

The original rollout of Tikker had to be delayed to solve some last minute technical issues.  One engineer explained,  “When the first focus group filled out their surveys, every single one was given the exact same Happiness date: December 21, 2012.  I guess that’s what happens when you buy timekeeping components from the Mayans!”  (The engineer was granted anonymity so she could slander the entire Mayan civilization without fear of reprisal.)

Colting says that new features for Tikker are under development. He is currently working on a Tikker expansion pack which will postpone Happiness for up to 5 years.  The Tikker II will automatically cancel any appointments or meetings that are scheduled after your Happiness date, as well as cancel your cell phone and internet service.

Tikker is expected to retail for $59 and be available in April 2014.  Customers who are already Happy at that time may request a full refund.

(Click on the picture above to read the original story.)

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