Help from above

Help from above

A Chinese doctoral student has proposed an ambitious plan to improve the lives of vulnerable people in devastated areas by launching missiles at them.

Huai-Chien Chang of the University of Tokyo proposes putting relief supplies on a giant rocket, and firing it at survivors of asteroid impacts, tsunamis and other natural disasters. He presented his idea during a poster session at the Space 2013 conference in San Diego. (His poster, showing waves of humanitarian aid raining down from on high, is pictured above.  Chang won honorable mention.)

“I got the idea from the Bible,” explained Chang. “In Exodus, while the Israelites were wandering in the desert, God sent them flakes of bread from heaven to sustain them. This is basically the same principle.”

He suggested that conventional missiles could be used to deliver Ice Cream and Baked Muffins (ICBMs) to remote areas.  In areas of more widespread need, missiles can be equipped with Meals Including Rice and Vegetables (MIRVs) to inflict a more healthy diet over a greater area.

Chang isn’t sure how much a projectile-based takeout system could cost, but he believes that using existing American and Russian missiles could reduce the cost. “I’m told many of these missiles already have devices in the tip to “nuke” the food and keep it warm. We won’t even have to remove them.”

Scientists estimate that supplies could be delivered anywhere in the world in less than an hour.  One poster child was very excited by this.  “Just imagine — a remote village is hit by a tsunami, and within hours, care packages of food and medical supplies could be dropping from orbit at over 200 MPH. Now that’s what I call humanitarian aid!”

Repurposing missiles for other uses is nothing new. Today aerospace firm Orbital Sciences takes old Peacekeeper missiles and turns them into rockets that can be launched into the sky and eventually return to earth, completely altering their original capabilities.

One official with the National Organization of Restaraunteurs and Diners (NORAD), who requested anonymity because he was suspended from junior high for throwing food in the cafeteria, predicted that the economics of ballistic relief services would eventually reduce costs. “I anticipate that participation will skyrocket, resulting in food that is both Mouth-watering and Delicious (MAD).  That sort of program will appeal to many a MAD man or woman.”

In an unrelated press release, American pizza delivery chain Domino’s has announced a upcoming expansion into international markets, promising to extend its famous “Pizza in 30 minutes or it’s free” guarantee worldwide.

Reports that the Chinese government is in the process of deploying sub-orbital kung pao chicken to refugees in Detroit could not be confirmed.

(Click on the poster above to read the original story.)

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