Earlier this month, Esquire magazine announced that actress Scarlett Johansson was being awarded the title “Sexiest Woman Alive”.
The title “Sexiest Woman Alive” (SWA) is certainly subjective, but it also appears to be dangerous. Since the award was established in 2004, no one has ever managed to hold onto the title for longer than one year. This strikes me as suspicious, since it seems to me that there can only be three disqualifying conditions:
- no longer the sexiest
- no longer a woman
- no longer alive
Now, ever since Jessica Biel replaced Angelina Jolie in 2005, I’ve always assumed that there was something more to this than meets the eye. After all, since Esquire has never named a baby to the title, the replacement SWA was already around when last year’s winner was honored, and none of the women appears to have exhibited any radical changes in sexiness, so why the rapid succession?
It appeared to me that the naming of a new SWA was a simple matter of killing off the old one. (Future appearances of past SWAs could be staged using a combination of stunt doubles and stock footage.) I had deduced a number of ways this could be accomplished:
- An elite team of Esquire black-ops snipers takes out the reigning SWA.
- Every year a challenger arises, and the two women fight for the title in some sort of Thunderdome. (Disclaimer: This is probably not happening. Two sexy women fighting in a Thunderdome would definitely be available on pay-per-view.)
- Each year’s new SWA was the runner-up the previous year, and ascends to the throne by assassinating her predecessor Klingon-style.
- One becomes the Sexiest Woman Alive through a Faustian bargain with the Devil, and after a year is consigned to the flames of Hell for all eternity.
But this year all my theories were upended by the renaming of Scarlett Johansson (pictured above avoiding an Esquire assassination team) as the 2013 Sexiest Woman Alive. Clearly, in order to win the title, she must still be sexy, a woman, and alive. But this would be inconsistent with my prior assumptions. After doing some research, I now believe that the answer is much more complex. Here’s what I think has been going on right under our noses for the past decade:
2004 – Angelina Jolie
Reason for dismissal: Discovered to be a robot
Explanation: According to recent reports, Ms. Jolie! recently left an airport with all six of her children, indicating advanced mathematical and reasoning skills far beyond human capabilities.
2005 – Jessica Biel
Reason for dismissal: Stepford wife
Explanation: Dated and eventually married Justin Timberlake despite mounting evidence that he was both unfaithful AND Justin Timberlake, indicating sophisticated mind-wiping technology in use.
2006 – Scarlett Johansson
Reason for dismissal: dissected for parts
Explanation: There is a high demand for Scarlett Johansson parts. Given this, a member of the Consortium of Hot and/or Bright Stars would have no problem cloning herself.
2007 – Charlize Theron
Reason for dismissal: alien space princess
Explanation: Charlize Theron was sent to Earth by an alien civilization, possibly to learn about human emotions, possibly as a prelude to alien invasion. She returned to her home world in fall of 2008. Many of the crowd-sourced messages included in the Lone Signal and New Horizons Message Initiative are fan letters to Ms. Theron. (The role of Charlize Theron is currently performed by Katherine Heigl and Diane Kruger.)
2008 – Halle Berry
Reason for dismissal: immortal Egyptian goddess
Explanation: Ms. Berry, who was the inspiration for the 1983 Stray Cats hit (She’s) Sexy + 47, is an ethereal spirit which does not age, but is technically not a “woman”.
2009 – Kate Beckinsale
Reason for dismissal: vampire
Explanation: If you Google “Kate Beckinsale vampire”, you get about 3,260,000 results. That many Google hits can’t all be wrong. (The undead do not meet Esquire’s strict criteria for “alive”.)
2010 – Minka Kelly
Reason for dismissal: not real
Explanation: Based on an in-depth analysis of my memory, I have never heard of this woman, nor have I ever seen her appear in anything. I believe that Ms. Kelly is in fact a CGI effect (minka-kelly.mpg) which is occasionally digitally inserted into TV shows. She currently resides in a server farm at Fox headquarters in New York.
2011 – Rihanna
Reason for dismissal: animatronic performer
Explanation: Based on computer analysis of Rihanna videos, scientists have concluded that her dance moves and vocal effects are the products of sophisticated animatronic and robotic engineering, as was pioneered in the 1976 film Westworld. Fans are strongly cautioned against getting Rihanna wet or allowing her access to six-guns. (Disclaimer: it is OK to feed her after midnight.)
2012 – Mila Kunis
Reason for dismissal: court ruling
Explanation: Ms. Kunis’ reign as Sexiest Woman Alive was recently terminated after the discovery of a woman genetically identical to Scarlett Johansson. It is suspected that either the current or original Scarlett is a clone, but as the law has not caught up to the technology, Esquire was forced to concede that she is still sexy, a woman, and alive.
In light of this recent decision, I suggest that Mila Kunis run for her life. That sniper team isn’t going to sit around forever.
(Disclaimer: I wholeheartedly support and encourage the mass cloning of Scarlett Johanssons in order to keep up with demand.)