The fast and the nefarious

The fast and the nefarious

In robomorality news, a lab in Japan announced a technological breakthrough that allows humans to be cheated at speeds previously unimagined.

The Janken robot (from the Japanese jan “rockpaperscissors” and ken “cheater”) was developed by scientists at the Ishikawa Oku Laboratory, part of the University of Tokyo’s School of Unfairness and Bad Sportsmanship. Its purpose is to reduce systemic entropy by eliminating unpredictable outcomes during public outbreaks of rock-paper-scissors in human society.

Cheating has always been a unreliable manual process, requiring the cheater to cultivate time-consuming character defects, and the cheatee to be willing to look over there. Janken holds out the promise of a future where people are cheated without the tedious human interaction and trust establishment implicit in current deception methods.  A university spokesman suggested that “One day, people with no Nigerian royalty connections at all will be able to be hoodwinked without being forced to resort to carnival games.”

Janken uses high-speed recognition and reaction technology to recognize that someone is playing rock-paper-scissors and reacts by cheating. It deploys a neural sensor array (NSA) to read the appropriate sections of its opponent’s brain (the rock ganglia, papercampus, and scissoral cortex) to determine what the player is about to do, and then responds with a winning move.

Government officials worry about the implications of the Janken robot. According to one Homeland Security official, who won anonymity using a two-headed coin, “The potential for misuse of this technology is frightening. What would happen if this robot arm fell into the hands of monkeys with mind control powers? Humanity would be at a major disadvantage in any negotiations which rely on rock-paper-scissors encounters for resolution.”

Janken represents the second generation of robocheating technology.  The university is starting initial trials on the next generation Janken, which will simplify the cheating process by using an electrical impulse to short out the opponent’s papercampus and scissoral ganglia, causing him to always play rock.

Ishikawa Oku also specializes in “sensor fusion” technology, which allows sensors to be fused into useless, smoldering blobs of twisted metal. It is hoped that by using game theory and behavior patterning, Janken technology may be employed to dupe potential investors into believing there is a market for fused sensors.

(Click on the picture above from the Janken phase three trials to read the original story.)

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