In clamicide news, law enforcement officials in the U.K. announced this week that they have solved the mysterious death of a seafood entree.
Police had originally ruled the death of Ming, 507, a suicide after his body was found in a white sauce atop a bed of linguini off the coast of Iceland in 2006.
“Death appears to have been self-inflicted,” according to the original report issued by Scotland Yard. “Forensics indicate that Ming forced his shell open, killing himself immediately, and then climbed onto a plate of pasta.” The Cardiff coroner’s office released a picture of the body (shown above).
However, invesigators reopened the case recently, after new DNA tests showed distinct signs of ring counting on the inside of the shell. Suspicions were raised when a group of climate change scientists reported that Ming had lied on his tax returns, claiming that he was only 405. Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs, the UK tax department, claimed that they were unaware of the fraud because Ming looked 23.
The climate change gang, lead by ocean scientist Paul Butler from the University of Bangor, denied any involvement in Ming’s death, and claimed that Ming’s shell was empty when he last visited in 2006. He told investigators that Ming had not been well, and had seemed “cold and clammy” the last time the two had met.
Butler was identified through postings he made on an internet clam-dating website. “The nice thing about shells is that they have distinct annual growth lines, so we can accurately date the shell material.” When confronted, Butler confessed, but claimed that murdering crustaceans was no different than using high explosives to determine the age of a castle. “That’s just the same as what archeologists do when they use tree rings in dead wood to work out the dates of old buildings. How else do you get to the inside of things without destroying them?”
The Bangor team* is suspected of working at the direction of the shadowy cabal Help The Aged, which has been working behind the scenes to find a way to conquer excessive longevity. HTA reportedly paid a bribe of £40,000 to the university to investigate how Ming survived over the centuries.
One climatologist, who requested anonymity because his wife was making chowder for dinner, denied involvement, but expressed sympathy with HTA’s philosophy. “Human lifespans have been increasing for hundreds of years. Who wants that? Ming spent over half a millenium as a clam. I bet he longed for the sweet release of death. We’re…er.. they’re just trying to help!”
Ming was born in 1499, the child of a secret order of wizard-clams that ruled China for hundreds of years, pulling the strings of the human figureheads of the Ming Dynasty. When his empire was conquered by the Manchu fiddler-crab Dynasty, Ming eventually migrated to Europe. He is believed to have been the original conductor of the crustacean orchestra whose legendary performance before Johannes Brahms became the basis for his legendary Mollusk In E (Moleskine) sonata.
Although the evidence is inconclusive, climate change enthusiasts claim his long lifespan was directly responsible for global warming. Climatologists now believe that his death will be directly responsible for global warming.
* The climatologists, not the Battlin’ Bivalves (5-1).
(Click on the picture above to read the tragic true story.)