Have yourself a bizarre little Christmas

Have yourself a bizarre little Christmas

In my previous post, I introduced the Hammacher Collection of Unnecessary Technology. Without further ado, I offer:

The Schlemmer Collection of Insane Product Ideas


The Mind Controlled UFO – $229.95
Control a round thingamajig using only the power of your mind!  Using nothing but your brain, and an app, and Bluetooth, and a wireless signal, and an infrared transmitter, you can cause this orb to fly, just like a radio-controlled helicopter.  By using a headband and ear clip that definitely don’t detect the electrical signals from the muscles in your forehead, you can achieve the same psychokinesis that millions of years of evolution has been unable to.  (Warning: Not for use by monkeys with robot arms.)


Larger Than Life Bavarian Santa – $2000
We searched the length and breadth of Bavaria — from the street corners of Munich to the Würzburg Valley Mall — to find only the tallest, most trachten-festooned Santas.  Then we dip them in resin to seal in the jolly holiday spirit, and ship one directly to your entry hall or foyer, where his benevolent, all-seeing eyes note the naughty and nice, and transmit that information wirelessly to the NSA.  Perfect for the trachtenschumck in your family who wants to spend a couple grand on a plastic Santa to amaze small children (not included). (Limit one per trachtenschmuck.)


The Bearded Beanie – $39.95
Whether it’s the stereotypical virility of hirsute mountain men, the stereotypical menace of hirsute homeless people, or the stereotypical racial profiling of hirsute bearded airline passengers, you too can invest your self-worth in an article of clothing with this knit cap and knit fake beard.  Or fold the beard into the cap when the respectable bearing of people who shave is required.  Make people think you’re a Unabomber without having to write a manifesto!  (Disclaimer: Virility, self-worth, and respectability not included.)


The Power Nap Head Pillow – $99.95
Holiday travel can be exhausting, but with all the distractions, it can be hard to get in that power nap.  But just slip on this head-enveloping pillow, and suddenly you have a private zone where people avoid you because you’re obviously some kind of insane deep sea diver, or maybe an escaped mutant teddy bear.

jetovator 7000

The Hydro Powered Jetovator – $7000
Want to experience all the excitement of jetovation, but you’re concerned about the environment?  Don’t be!  Based on the natural jetovative design of the hydro of Greek mythology, this novel jetovator allows the rider to soar 25′ in the air at speeds up to 25 miles per hour, preventing even interested onlookers from hearing your cries of terror as you execute backflips, barrel rolls, corkscrews, and even 10′ dives underwater while trying to survive the 20 minute learning curve for safe, proficient operation. Makes a great bequest to your next of kin!  (Instructor not included.)


The Petiole Hammock – $35,000
Winner of the Les Decouvertes award for innovative uses of $35,000 at the prestigious Maison & Objet (House and Thingy) show, this hammock is perfect for the person who wants to rest inside a giant oval.  The hammock is supported by a 304 stainless steel pole, twice the stainlessness of 152 stainless steel.  The culmination of 20 years of design, each hammock takes 4 weeks to craft and 10 weeks to deliver.  Then let the setup begin!  The sheer canopy blocks up to 86% of the sun’s harmful UV rays during the 15 minutes a day the sun is behind the canopy.  Mounts in concrete (not included). Unspecified loopholes and wiggle room apply.


The Runaway Alarm Clock – $59.95
The brainchild of annoying and evil morning people, this single-use alarm clock makes a mischievous dash for its life after ruining that dream you were having about the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.  Its 100MB flash memory can store thousands of irritatingly cheerful songs and messages such as “Rise and shine, sleepyhead!” or “Walking on Sunshine”.  Early risers can manage all of the clock’s functions with an easy one-button control, while late risers can manage all of the clock’s functions with a sharp blow from a hammer (sold separately).

deerskin driving gloves - 79,99

The Gentleman’s Deerskin Driving Gloves – $99.95
These gloves are genuine deerskin, a leather prized for its unique ability to keep deer guts from getting all over Nature.  The soft texture provides a confident grip for the gentleman driver who accidentally spilled bacon grease on his steering wheel.  The buttery-soft deerskin will eventually conform to the shape of your hand, providing your hand is shaped like a deer.  Walnut. (Disclaimer: Context not provided. Just “Walnut.” Make of that what you will.)

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