In kleptoneurology news, police in Indianapolis have announced that their suspect in a rash of recent brain thefts from local museums is probably not a zombie.
Indianapolis police detectives apprehended the accused thief, David Charles, during a routine parking lot transaction in Indy’s famous Brains District. Charles confessed to being human after repeated gunshots to the head failed to kill him. He now faces charges of theft and impersonating the living dead.
Investigators were tipped off by a San Diego man who became suspicious about six jars of brain tissue he bought on eBay for $600. “Brains for only $100 a jar! That’s just insane! I gave the seller a great feedback score before I realized something was up.”
Police said the man, Dr. Victor Franken-Stein of Castle San Diego, called the Indianapolis museum after noticing labels on the containers. “I had read online about the black market for brains from long-dead psychiatric patients. When I got my package from eBay, I recognized one name in particular: Abagail Normal. When I contacted the museum, the director told me that she had been a patient at the former psychiatric hospital the museum now occupies.”
One San Diego lab assistant, who requested anonymity because his hump might make him easily identifiable to paparazzi, confirmed to reporters that one of the brains had clearly been nibbled on, which triggered the closer examination that revealed the connection to the Indiana Medical History Museum.
The museum’s executive director, Mary Ellen Hennessey Nottage, expressed her relief that the perpetrator had been apprehended. “A museum’s mission is to hold these materials as cultural and scientific objects in the public interest. You’d be surprised how little public interest there is in the brains of dead crazy people, except when there’s a zombie attack.”
Dr. Franken-Stein’s parents, U.S. Senator Al Franken and writer Gertrude Stein, confirmed that their son’s brain purchases were nothing out of the ordinary. “When we asked about it, he just said he liked to collect odd things and reanimate them using electricity,” said Mrs. Stein. “Just look at me! I’m a famous writer who died in 1946, and Vic reanimated me just fine.”
The Indiana National Guard has issued an apology to the Zombo-American community for once again accusing them of brainnapping, and has downgraded the Zombie Threat Level in Indianapolis from Walking Dead to Night of the Living Dead.
(Click on the delicious brain above to read the original story.)