In vortex news, the National Weather Service has traced the cause of recent unseasonably cold weather to the inadvertant creation of a portal into a frigid hell dimension.
The inter-dimensional gateway, a spinning circle of ice in the Sheyenne River outside Bismark, North Dakota, was first spotted by amateur vortexologist George Loegering of Casselton. “At first I thought, no way! It was surreal! But once you start seeing yetis and frost giants and Snow Misers rising up from the icy depths, you looked at it and you thought, ‘Oh, ice vortex.’ It’s not an unknown phenomenon, but it is relatively rare. It’s hard to draw arcane symbols on a moving river.”
Then his engineering background kicked in. He calculated the disk’s diameter to be about 55 feet, too small for an ice dragon to pass through and destroy Casselton. So he took pictures and video of himself, his brother-in-law, and nephew, turned to the internet, and posted the selfies on Facebook. Afterwards, they took some pictures of the sub-polar gateway.
At first, hydrologist Allen Schlag of the National Weather Service observed, “It’s actually quite beautiful, if you can get past the demonic hordes invading our world.” He originally attributed the abominable snow spiral to “a combination of cold, dense air last weekend and an eddy in the river.” He later recanted after local teen Eddy Johnson came forward.
“I admit being in the river, but I was just checking to make sure it was really a doorway to a frozen netherworld,” Johnson, 17, told local reporters. “Now Jenny Blackmon will have to go to the Valentine’s Day dance with me!” When reached for comment, Ms. Blackmon, 18, admitted that she had neglected to specify which Hell had to freeze over before she would agree to date Eddy.
According to meterologist Greg Gust, discoverer of the short burst of wind that bears his name, “It’s not a continuous sheet of ice. If you were to throw a grapefruit-sized chunk of frozen holy water on it, it would go right through, possibly causing great harm to a passing ice demon.”
One climatologist, who was granted immunity so he could go inside and warm up by the fire, told anyone who would listen, “I’m not sure how long it was there. If you look at the picture, you can see growth rings on the disk, which definitely indicate that it’s caused by global warming.” He warned that any attempts by humans to close the whirlpool of arctic doom would definitely contribute to global warming.
Schlag said he was surprised by the size of the ice portal, which he said would be more likely on a larger river such as the Styx.
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