In Sinochromatic news, the Chinese government announced a new initiative to bring color to the formerly black-and-white country.
Commuters across Beijing cloaked themselves in a thick, gray haze and ordered the elderly and schoolchildren to stay indoors as the government began introducing red into the national culture. Large screens across the country were activated to give Chinese citizens their first glimpse of a crimson sunrise over the doomed planet of Krypton (shown above).
“We decided to show a sunrise, because the sun rises in the East,” explained Wang Anshun of the People’s Ministry of Colors (PMOC). “Sunsets occur in the West, and the Chinese people reject all things from the West, particularly their decadent capitalist sunsets.” He hoped that one day, people would refer to his country as “Red China”.
The announcement came just as China prepares to enter smog and tourist season. China, the world’s largest monochromatic nation, is a major producer of PM2.5 smog, a byproduct of industrial civilization used primarily to hide the country from NSA spy satellites. The density of PM2.5 was about 350-500 micrograms Thursday morning, marking the highest recorded level of incorrect units of measure since Han Solo made the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs.
The Chinese government is working to expand public access to other parts of the color spectrum. Beijing’s mayor pledged to cut coal use (a major component of blackness) and set aside 15 billion yuan (about $250 in beads and trinkets) for research into developing multiple colors of air pollution. In order to make way for the new hues, coal-burning boilers inside Beijing’s Fifth Ring will be eliminated. The Fifth Ring, on the banks of the River Styx, is home to China’s wrathful and sullen (pictured below). Local residents are reportedly wrathful over the loss of the boilers, and sullen about having to drink lukewarm tea.
The initiative was welcomed by astrocolorist Miranda Johnson and Mrs. Marino’s entire art class, although Ms. Johnson cautioned that it would be many years before the Chinese space program would be ready to explore pink astronomical phenomena.
The PMOC plans to mark the Chinese New Year (the Year of the Grey Wolf) with a concert by the Red Hot Chili Peppers, followed by a public showing of the classic RGB trilogy Red Dawn, Blue Hawaii, and How Green Was My Valley. A poll taken among visitors along the Gray Wall of China showed that 71% of those interviewed are excited to finally learn just how green his valley was.
(Click on the Kryptonian dawn to read the incredible true story, sent to me by my friend Bob.)
Editor’s note: This story has been debunked as a fraud. And by this story, I mean that story. As of the time of publication, this story remains totally bunked.