In unresearch news, bored Nobel laureate Stephen Hawking has embarked on a historic quest to get rid of science, starting with a paper last month confessing that there are no black holes, just a bunch of places where stuff isn’t.
Asked why he had chosen to reverse his decades-old accomplishment, Hawking explained he was doing it for his own amusement. “Physics would be far more interesting if [black holes] had not been found.” He said that he started with black holes because it would be easier for him to begin by discrediting his own work.
The Cambridge professor has been a vocal critic of recent scientific advancement, expressing frustration at the recent discovery of the Higgs boson. Close friends claim that he was particularly dismayed to hear that science had spread to one junior high school, where a 10-year old girl was discovering extra molecules, without even considering the ennui she had created.
Hawking revealed that Cygnus X-1, the first “black hole” ever detected, was in fact a crumb from an Oreo cookie that got stuck on the lens of the Mount Palomar telescope in 1964. He insisted that physicist Kip Thorne pay back the $5 bet they made in 1975.
Hawking’s new work is an attempt to solve what is known as the black hole firewall problem, which has been vexing scientists for almost two years. “Two years!”, Hawking complained. “Do you know how boring vexed scientists are?”
“Scientists have been going on and on about an event horizon. It’s apparently a highly energetic place on the horizon of a black hole where events happen. Crazy events — walls of fire, information scrambling, singularity — the whole nine yards. But we’ve seen no evidence, just a bunch of math. What a snoozefest!”
Raphael Bousso, theoretically a physicist at UC Berkeley, highlighted how “abhorrent” physicists find firewalls. “They’re pretty darn abhorrent, let me tell you! But the fact that we’re still discussing such questions 40 years later is testament to just how bored we are.”
Hawking’s colleagues are not the only ones applauding his undiscovery. One NASA administrator, who requested anonymity in a particularly vexing manner, revealed that the interplay of quantum mechanics and general relativity was directly responsible for the suspension of NASA’s manned space program. “Last year, in a thought experiment, researchers asked what would happen to an astronaut unlucky enough to fall into a black hole. Thousands of astronauts have been burned to a crisp by these kind of thoughtless thought experiments, making it very difficult to staff a manned mission back to the moon, let alone Mars.” Scientists just assumed that astronauts would happily pass through the event horizon and be stretched out like spaghetti.
Dr. Hawking believes that the undiscovery of black holes is an important step toward a Grand Diversification Theory, the so-called “Theory of Nothing”, which separates the fundamental forces of nature, — gravity, electromagnetism, and the strong and weak nuclear forces — into separate forms of energy that are indistinguishable from magic. “There’s no reason to have two different nuclear forces, just because one is stronger than the other!” Eventually he hopes to eliminate all the fundamental forces of the universe.
Hawking (pictured above) has already begun the process of repealing the Law of Gravity by standing sideways in publicity photos.
(Click on the picture above to undiscover the truth for yourself.)