In weaponized weather news, scientists announced the first successful deployment of their heavy snow artillery, after a test of the 40-foot snowball was conducted in the quad of Reed Richards University in Southeast Portland, Oregon.
The projectile (shown above) consisted of 900 pounds of snow surrounding a core of pure Doyle Owl, capable of delivering almost three feet of totemic campus lore.
Research into snowpocalyptic technology has been a priority for the U.S. Department of Alien, Robot, and Primate Apocalypses (DARPA). The initiative, dubbed Project Rollit, was conceived by a team of math majors as a deterrent to the establishment of monkey strongholds in college dorms and 28th Streets around the world.
The demonstration led to several protests by a coalition of ape apologists and maintenance workers outside the quad. One maintenance worker, who requested anonymity because he once apologized to an ape, claimed that widespread deployment of Weather for Monkey Destruction (WMD) technology could cause threes of thousands of dollars in damage, and would bring us one step closer to a worldwide Snowmageddon. Climate change enthusiasts claimed that the mere existence of a large snowball was evidence of global warming.
A DARPA blizzardologist dismissed such concerns, saying that Project Rollit was a natural extension of conventional 50 foot snowball launcher technology, and the technology showed great promise in computer models of robot and alien apocalypses. She expressed concern over the fact that nobody was hurt, but remains confident that tests this summer at the bottom of Death Valley will be more successful.
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