In galactic hegemony news, NASA is reporting that 715 newfound planets have been annexed by the Kepler Space Telescope.
The Kepler Empire, which stretches from Earth orbit to the cosmic microwave background, is divided into two classes: validated exoplanets (all named Kepler), and everything else (also all named Kepler).
The Kepler telescope’s mission began in March 2009 and ended last May. One scientist at NASA’s Astrophysics Division explained that after a few weeks puttering around the house, the telescope went rogue and started discovering everything in sight and naming it Kepler. The scientist didn’t bother to request anonymity because he had recently been discovered and named Kepler-17092.
“This is the largest windfall of planets that’s been announced at one time since Adolf Hitler (Kepler-66) annexed the Sudetenland (Kepler-242) in 1936.”
Scientists validated the newly discovered worlds using a powerful and sophisticated new method called “verification by multiplicity”, which works partly on logic of probability, and mostly on taking the Kepler telescope’s word for it because, hey, why would the Kepler telescope lie about discovering 715 new planets?
Many of the new planets were discovered in a region of space known to NASA as the Artist’s Concept (pictured above). The Artist’s Concept is a densely-populated area known for its multiple transit planet systems, which maintain a 30% smaller carbon footprint than conventional systems that use private vehicles for transit.
The Kepler mission is responsible for hauling in 961 exoplanets to date, according to Hot and Bright Star Danica McKellar (shown here boosting the self-esteem of teenage girls by using math to determine which exoplanets teenage girls should date).
Ms. McKellar (Kepler-1.6180339687) announced her 12 finalists at a press conference this morning, with Kepler-49894 at the top of the list. The exoplanetary candidates will compete for Ms. McKellar during this season of ABC’s The Bachelorette.
(Click anywhere in the Artist’s Concept to read the original story.)