In goat news, scientists announce that they had finally found the answer to one of nature’s greatest unsolved mysteries: what’s the deal with all the goats?
A new paper from the University of Tokyo’s College of Goat-Arousal explains that a male goat (pictured above) smells goatier than other things, which attracts female goats, resulting in a self-perpetuating cycle of goat arousal and goat production.
The novel chemical responsible, 4-ethyloctanal, was accidentally discovered by chemical novelist Yukari Takeuchi. Its name comes from its position as #4 in the Humboldt State University Database of Molecules Not to Be Discovered.
William Gruff, Dean of the School of Goatic Arts and Sciences at Oklahoma State University, said that the new discovery would change the face of goat-arousal. “For centuries mankind believed that female goats were aroused by that little beard-thing on the male goat’s chin. This changes everything.”
News of Takeuchi’s discovery roiled financial markets across the Mirror Universe. Stocks in the razor sector experienced their largest one-day jump in 200 years, as men across the Empire started exchanging their little goat beard-things for goatier alternatives. (see below) Goat pheromone futures were sharply higher after the bell.
Political economists were more cautious, citing concerns that a substantial increase in shaving would make it more difficult to distinguish prominent public figures from their evil duplicates.
John J. McGlone, head of the goat arousalology doctoral program at Texas Tech University, cautioned that the research may have implications for species other than goats. “What we are learning often has effects on other species, but we plan to ignore that. There are thousands of insect pheromones, and there are probably at least hundreds, if not thousands, of mammalian pheromones that have not been tested for their impact on the arousal of female goats. It taints the pure discipline of goat-arousal studies to try to put our work to general use.” McGlone will be offering a workshop for Ga.D. candidates on the ethics of goat-arousal science.
He warned that the last time science went unchecked, some researcher discovered a pig pheromone that stops dogs from barking, triggering a class-action lawsuit from the American Society for Pig-related Canine Alerts (ASPCA).
Takeuchi’s paper will be presented at next month’s Goat-arousal Trade Show and Exhibition in Las Vegas. Ten thousand goat-arousal experts and researchers are expected to be in attendance.
Author’s note: This article could not have been written without the invaluable assistance of the letter ‘s’, which, when applied to the end of the phrase “goat-arousal expert”, leads to the following conclusions:
- There is more than one goat-arousal expert.
- There was more than one opening for the job of “goat-arousal expert”.
- There was more than one applicant for the position of “goat-arousal expert”.
- There is enough work in the field to support more than one goat-arousal expert.
- Someone actually trains people in the science of goat-arousal.
- More than one person stayed in the field of goat-arousal long enough to develop expertise.
I would thank these valiant men and women for their service, but that would just encourage them.