The Philosopher’s Cookie

The Philosopher's Cookie

Warning: The following story contains graphene images and language, and is not recommended for all audiences.  Viewer discretion is the better part of viewer valor.

In gang scouting news, federal agents raided Rice University and seized a box of Girl Scout cookies containing a full $15 billion worth of graphene.

Graphene is a one-atom-thick layer of carbon possessing remarkable properties of strength and conductivity.  It is used primarily as a performance enhancer for circus strongmen and orchestra conductors.

The Rice Nano Gang conspiracy began when lab alchemist James Tour mentioned at a gang summit that his team had transmuted table sugar into graphene.  He claimed that he and his grad student henchmen could transmute anything into graphene, and it just so happened that there were Girl Scouts there.  And so an alliance was born between the Nanos and the Troop 25080ers.

To make graphene, the Rice team* uses a copper foil and a super-hot argon and hydrogen gas oven.  In this process, the object (grass, chocolate, a cockroach leg, dog excrement, or Girl Scout cookie)** is placed on one side of the foil and, under high heat, burns up.  While people are watching that, the Owls’ mascot puts some graphene on the other side of the foil, so it can be found.  After that, you poke at it with a voltmeter for some reason (pictured above).

(Disclaimer: This might be a soldering iron, or maybe some kind of electric chopsticks.  It’s hard to tell from the picture.)

Of course, production of graphene has everything to do with scale, supply, and demand. Two of the henchstudents in Tour’s graphene lab did some math given the current commmercial price of cockroach legs — about $0 per unlimited amount — and figured that a box of cockroach legs could generate a roughly % profit if converted to graphene.

A box of shortbread could yield a sheet of graphene that would cover three football fields if NCAA rules allowed carbon atoms on the football field, but they don’t.

A spokesman from the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, Grass, Chocolate, Cockroach Legs, and Dog Excrement (BATFGCCLDE) warned that you should not buy Thin Mints as long term investments, as they are likely to melt in the hot sun.

Click on the picture to read the original story.  (Warning: More graphene language.)

* The football team (10-4), not the basketball team (7-23).

** Special thanks to punk rocker Sid Vicious, who was reincarnated as a chocolate-covered mini dachshund with grass fur, cockroach legs, and digestive problems.

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