In assimilation news, Moon Ribas and Neil Harbisson of the Cyborg Foundation urged the audience at Pioneers Festival to consider accepting cyborgism after the Foundation performed ghastly experiments on them.
Both Ribas and Harbisson use technology to extend their dominion over their unwilling victims. “I was born colorblind and always wanted to perceive what color is,” Harbisson said. He mentioned “the critical culture role that color” before apologizing and rebooting his language processor so he could form complete sentences.
“Being colorblind made it difficult to assimilate things like the Yellow Pages, the Pink Panther, James Brown, and Greenland.” He showed how the flags of France, Ireland, and Italy look identical to him and how frustrating it was when his legions of cyborg soldiers wiped out most of Dublin before realizing that it wasn’t Paris.
With his Eyeborg device, he can transform the world around him into sound. “Each color has a specific sound,” he explained. After wearing the device for many years, his brain “got used to hearing Yellow Submarine every time I looked at the Yellow Pages, but I still don’t understand why I hear White Christmas whenever I go to Greenland. Must be a bug.”
He can even now perceive infrared and ultraviolet. (Infrared sounds like the horn of a 1989 Ford Taurus, while ultraviolet sounds like Sir Alec Guinness arguing with Britney Spears about trigonometry.)
“If you just accept these implants, you can dress like a song,” he said to the terrified captives, pointing out that his garish tie actually corresponded to Roseanne Barr’s rendition of the National Anthem. “I can now compose music with food. So you can create a specific song and eat your favorite song,” he said while enjoying a bowl of the Go Go’s We Got the Beat (broccoli florets and pistachio shells in a cough syrup remoulade).
Similarly Ribas, a choreographer, wanted to augment her perfectly good senses. She started by developing Kaleidoscopic Vision that allowed her to perceive color but not shape. After tripping over a lot of orange stuff, she realized that color wasn’t as important as not tripping, so she wanted to investigate movement. Her resulting Speedborg device used embedded infrared earrings to convert motion around her into the sound of the horn of a 1989 Ford Taurus. The speed with which bodies got out of the way when they heard a car coming was relayed to her with a vibration sensor.
After the Speedborg, Ribas experimented with creating a Spider Sense that would allow here to perceive spider activity around the world, by linking up to a website that monitors spider social media. “Every time there is a spider, it makes a little vibration in my arm. Unfortunately, my Spider Sense is also triggered by danger, so I can’t tell a trapdoor spider from the Green Goblin. Must be a bug.”
The pair also believes that cyborgism may help us identify other species to assimilate, such as people who have senses like fish telepathy (Aquaman), goat arousal expertise (goat-arousal experts), and whether or not the baby is crying (Finnish and Swedish scientists).
The Cyborg Foundation promised to graft a cyborg scalp capable of telling mimes the size of the box they’re trapped in (above) to the first 50 festival-goers to stop their futile resisting.
Click on the cybernetic mime to read the original story.
Author’s Note: After translating the original article for our American readers, we had a large number of extraneous ‘u’s left over. These letters have been donated to the humanitarian relief organization Vowels for Kyrgyzstan and Gdansk.