In galactic tourism news, the House Science and Technology committee reaffirmed that space aliens are welcome here, as long as they park elsewhere.
The committee held a hearing to discuss human-extraterrestrial relations and their impact on tax and environmental policy.
“The public is fascinated with the so-called UFO phenomenon,” according to Seth Shostak of the Scientists Everybody Thinks are Insane (SETI) Institute. “I don’t think that that would be something that all the governments of the world had managed to obfuscate,” he said, referring to the work of the federal Obfuscation Management Bureau (OMB).
OMB responded by telling reporters to look over there, before ducking out a side door.
“Keep in mind that in the 4.5-billion year history of the Earth, the time of the ancient Egyptians was yesterday,” Shostak said. “I think the pyramids, for example, were probably built by Egyptians sometime yesterday morning, before it got too hot.”
The Egyptian government issued a denial, saying that the pyramids were years older than the Fossil Cabin of Carbon County, and accusing the SETI Institute of spreading Wyomingist propaganda.
Dan Werthimer, director of SETI research at UC Berkeley, was more blunt. “UFOs have nothing to do with extraterrestrials. You people are idiots!” he said.
After calming down, he explained, “I think some of these sightings are real phenomena. Some of it is people’s imagination, because it ties very closely to popular culture. When Jules Verne wrote about flying saucers, everybody started seeing flying saucers. When J.K. Rowling wrote about Harry Potter, everybody started seeing Harry Potter movies. Before that people saw Charlie’s Angels.”
“Some of it is actually deliberate hoaxes for people making money. Deliberate hoaxes by extraterrestrials pumped over 200 million quatloos into the US economy last year. Do we want them to come? Yes, please!”
However, he expressed concern about the impact their spaceships have on Earth’s ecosystem. “Many of these aliens come from other star systems, and nobody seems to care about the environmental damage their matter-antimatter engines can do. I say, no thanks!”
Antimatter is an energy source of interstellar propulsion, derived from the positrons found in bananas. Climate change enthusiasts argue that matter and antimatter are the two leading causes of global warming.
A spokesbeing for Space Entity Travel, Inc. (SETI), an intergalactic tourism company, said that the biggest problem with travel to Earth is access. “We used to be able to land near Roswell, but now the parking lots are reserved for weather balloons and swamp gas. Last time I brought the family here in 2001, we had to park in the obelisk Park-n-Ride lot on the Moon. Then you people abandoned your shuttle service in 2011.” The spokesalien was granted anonymity because his species doesn’t have names.
Hearings will continue tomorrow with two 500-year old Bostonians and their non-controversial claim that Massachusetts has been visited by interstellar Spaniards 60 years after Columbus, and that Fenway Park was originally built in 1552 as a parking structure for alien ships.
(Click on the unnamed visitor to read the original story.)
Update: The information below has been added to respond to the plethora of reader who has asked about sightings of Charlie’s Angels in the skies above the 70’s.
Once upon a time, on October 7th, 1977, there were three little girls who enroll in a stewardess school to investigate mysterious threats that result in the murder of a student.
And they were each assigned very hazardous duties.
But I took them away from all that, fired them, and replaced them with these three.
My name is Charlie.