As I was driving home from Starbucks this morning, I pulled up to a red light behind a minivan. (Disclaimer: I am tempted to stop the story here, but that kind of utterly pedestrian narrative is a story best told on Twitter or Facebook, where it would fit right in. Also, no pedestrians were involved.)
But I digress. (Disclaimer: I always digress. I’m practically made of digressions. This post is a veritable cornucopia of digressions. If you are a digressophobe, or merely digression-intolerant, stop reading here, and assume I saw a minivan.) Anyway, I pulled up behind this minivan, and scrawled across the rear window in those washable markers that are half grease-pen, half whiteboard marker, and half chalk were the following statements:
Now, I immediately suspected that teenagers were involved, as in America, teenagers are the ultimate arbiters of what rocks and who should go. I readily admit that my life experience does not correlate well with the life experience of even the oldest teenagers, who were born when I was already in my 30s. But I have been wracking my brain trying to figure out exactly what message is being conveyed.
The first line, CDP ROCKS, is clearly a show of support for CDP*. Based on an extensive glance at some page on the internet that tries to define acronyms, I narrowed down the meaning to the following:
- Certified Divorce Planner – Unlikely, unless your marriage was reeeeealllly bad.
- Congress for Democracy and Progress of Burkina Faso – Big among the Burkino Fasians, less so among North Carolina teens.
- Cross Duck Pendant – Upon further review, this actually said “Cross Deck Pendant”, which rocks substantially less. Even I can tell you that.
- Congenital Dysplasia of the hiP – No, but give now, so they can fix their acronym.
The second line, GO PETITES!, may be a vote of support for clothing for women of shorter height, typically 5’3″ or less**. (Disclaimer: I lack the requisite background in haute couture to know whether the admonition to go also applies to misses and juniors. I also don’t know what haute couture means.)
Having conducted my analysis, I have come to the conclusion that this sign is the result of mean girls tricking some non-native English speakers into writing random words on their minivan, much the way that mean clothiers sell t-shirts like this in Asia:
I only hope that their boyfriends have tattoos with Chinese characters that really say “soup desk” or “cross duck”. (Disclaimer: I hope that anyway.)
* I discarded the following font-ambiguous alternative interpretations:
- GOP ROCKS: No political party rocks, no matter what MTV pretends.
- GDP ROCKS: The U.S. Gross Domestic Product contracted by 2.9% last quarter. Even if you are generally a fan of GDP, this is clearly a rebuilding year.
- COP ROCKS: The ABC TV series Cop Rock, which predates teenagers by at least five years, only lasted 11 episodes. (Disclaimer: While this is a successful season for modern cable series, a TV season in 1990 was approximately 26 episodes, so 11 episodes was considered a dismal failure.) The use of the plural “Cop Rocks” is therefore highly suspicious.
“Interesting” aside: The show Cop Rock starred actress Anne Bobby‡ (top, left), who also appeared in an episode of NBC’s The Cosby Mysteries, which was about mysteries, only they had to be solved by Bill Cosby. This was an actual thing, as evidenced by the actual Sprint phone card below.
The Cosby Mysteries debuted in 1995, the same year as today’s oldest teenagers. Coincidence? Or another mystery to be solved by Bill Cosby?
‡ The question of whether actress Anne Bobby was a “petite” is left as an exercise for the reader. If so, it answers a lot of questions.
** The definition of “petite” in Wikipedia includes a mathematical discussion of the standard deviation of the height of American women. To those people who were told there would be no math, in the words of Nelson Muntz, “Haw haw!”
But I digress.
Author’s Note: When I wrote the words “Cross Duck Pendant”, the image I had in mind was this:
Not this, which is a Duck Cross Pendant:
I apologize for the confusion.