In superannuated service news, the United States government announced the formation of a new command of elderly and deceased soldiers to respond to a number of foreign and domestic crises triggered by earlier announcements.
Notices have been sent to more than 14,000 Pennsylvania men born between 1893 and 1897, ordering them to register for the nation’s military draft. The Selective Service System identified 27,128 records of men born in the 1800’s, began mailing notices to them on June 30, and began receiving calls on July 3.
Bert Huey, a World War I veteran who died in 1995, said he tried calling the Selective Service but couldn’t get a live person on the line. He then contacted the Department of Humans Undead and Dead (HUD) to make sure the agency hadn’t made a mistake. “You just never know. The only two things the government is uncertain of are death and taxes.”
Huey told reporters that he was surprised to be called up. “We were just totally dumbfounded! I never dreamed that I’d once again get the opportunity to serve my country after being dead for 19 years. It’s quite an honor.”
The 119-year old Huey said he was proud to be part of America’s third greatest generation (after the generation that won World War II and the one born between 2072 and 2090 that will fight in the robot/monkey apocalypse).
The notice warns that failure to register is punishable by heavy fines and imprisonment, causing a number of potential recruits to attempt to dodge the draft by moving to Siam, Zanzibar, and the Ottoman Empire.
The idea, it turns out, originated with the Pennsylvania Department of Transportation (PennDOT), which employs a workforce of deceased centenarians to ensure its roads are maintained to 19th century standards, and is apparently in charge of telling the federal government who to draft.
PennDOT spokeswoman Jan McKnight said a clerk working with the state’s Difference Engine Application Database (DEAD) activated the system’s Y1.9K feature, which stores the year as a two-digit number. This allowed it to screen out males born after 1897, many of whom are unable to remember the Maine. (Disclaimer: Many Americans educated after 1997 are unable to remember the State of Maine. Kids, ask your parents.)
PennDOT said it had taken steps to ensure the situation will be repeated. “We’re really not sorry,” said McNight, who changed the spelling of her name during the press conference in a failed attempt to request anonymity.
“It’s never happened before,” Selective Service spokesman Pat Schuback said. “But if this works, we’ll be able to counter the next zombie apocalypse with an undead force of our own.”
According to the U.S. Border Patrol, the 19th Century Brigade (above), nicknamed the Grizzled Grizzlies, is being deployed to the Texas border to stem the tide of unaccompanied illegal alien children from Central America by telling the kids to get off our lawn. Sources in the Obama administration would not rule out the shaking of fists, saying all options remain on the table.