I was at Starbucks this morning, and there was a sign up on the board for their new hand-made sodas (some assembly required). I’m not sure exactly what the appeal of making sodas to order could be — it’s not as if the carbon dioxide (now with TWICE the oxygen of regular carbon monoxide!) can go bad. And it’s not as if the baristi (baristovians? baristites?) have nothing better to do with their days than lovingly hand-craft something that sits on the grocery store shelf for weeks at a time. But I have surprisingly little hands-on experience running a coffee empire, so I’m sure there’s some logic involved. (Disclaimer: I’m not so sure there’s some logic involved.)
But with all the possible advertising hooks Starbucks could come up with (“Twice the Oxygen of Carbon Monoxide — 50% Less Lethal!” or “More Fun to Watch Being Made than Sausage!” would be my suggestions), the Starbucks near my house chose this one:
Made Right Before Your Eyes!
I find this very off-putting. My eyes were made in 1961, lovingly hand-crafted from only the finest rods and cones. (Disclaimer: some of them have gone bad.) I’m not sure I want to drink soda made right before that. Wine or cheese is one thing. (Disclaimer: Wine and cheese are two things, unless you put port wine in your cheese. Never put Camembert in your merlot.) But 53-year old soda has probably gone flat by now. Although I feel bad about the Starbucks Corporation storing soda pop for over half a century, without even asking me if I wanted it. (Disclaimer: I probably would have ordered 7-year old root beer when I was 6, if Starbucks had had the foresight to be founded in 1967.)
(Author’s Note: This is the kind of stuff my brain pulls on me all the time. I often wonder how the rest of humanity functions.)