In seasonal apocalyptic cheer news, leaders of Minnesota’s drunken zombie Santa community are calling for calm after one of their members paid an early visit to a St. Paul family.
The Santa, whose name is being withheld because he had been too dead to remember it and too drunk to pronounce it, was cited for premature breaking and entering by an undead intoxicated person, and hunting teenagers out of season.
The teens’ father said Monday they were scared because they had not left out brains and milk for Drunken Zombie Santa, who brings decaying body parts to good boys and girls on Christmas. He said that no one in his family “will ever think of monsters breaking into their home the same way. Except Bobby. He never changes his mind about anything.”
Drunken Zombie Santa season traditionally starts with the Day of the Dead on November 1 and ends on January 1. The biggest event of the season is the Zombie Pub Crawl, which commemorates the anniversary of the Undead Holiday Inebriation Act, which repealed local bans on zombie attacks in taverns during the twelve days of Christmas. The Twin Cities hold their Pub Crawl early, so that newly bitten citizens will have time to decompose before Halloween.
Spokesman Dan Ackroyd of the Drunken Zombie Santa Association of the Great Lakes expressed concern that the incident would portray drunken zombie Santas in a bad light. Mr. Ackroyd (shown above enjoying a local bartender) felt that the family overreacted to a relatively minor threat. “People would prefer that drunken zombies only rampage two months out of the year, and stay out of sight the rest of the time. Breaking into houses to prey upon the living is a vital part of drunken zombie culture all year round. Folks should be proud to fend off hordes of drunken zombie leprechauns in March and Uncle Drunken Zombie Sams on the Fourth of July,” he said between mouthfuls.
Minneapolis police estimate more than 35,000 drunken zombie Santas showed up to drink, party, and attack innocent bystanders at the annual Zombie Pub Crawl. The crowd was so big it broke the Guinness world record for the most zombie Santas to be drunk in one place.
Despite that crowd, officers say there were only enough dismembered and discarded limbs left to arrest parts of nine people. Police credited extra planning and not being anywhere nearby for the low arrest count.
“These horrifying creatures are down to celebrate, have fun and tear their victims limb from limb. The mantra of the police department was fabulous, make it happen, as long as the living are being consumed responsibly,” Elder said.
Elder said he couldn’t remember any major problems with the zombie pub crawl in the 10 years since someone or something devoured his hippocampus. He also couldn’t remember why he was called Elder, or what he was doing in this story in the first place.
Editor’s note: While searching for a picture of “drunken zombie Santa” for this article, Bing graciously offered me this image:
This is Turkish Prime Minister Recep Erdogan and U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry. As far as I know, neither of these men is Santa.