At approximately 1230 hours on Tuesday, October 14th, sensors at the National Irresponsible Research Laboratory in Chicago reported an Expected Apocalypse Event involving a lethal biological agent. The incident has been traced to a lone researcher who accidentally shattered a vial of zombie virus while eating his lunch. Per standard procedure, the laboratory was instantly sealed from all outside contact, and the laboratory automated sensor system immediately began analyzing the environment for any pathogens.
Upon verification of exposure by automated and manual systems, the CDC triggered Phase One of its SHAD Protocol. As a Phase One risk factor, the exposed researcher was immediately Shot in the Head And Decapitated by the cleanroom’s Containment Drone. The contents of the room were subsequently incinerated at a temperature of 2000°F, followed by radiation exposure sufficient to make the surrounding area lethal to all forms of life for the next 500 years.
Under SHAD Phase Two, all other researchers, lab personnel, and project directors associated with the program were identified as Phase Two risk vectors, and were Shot in the Head And Decapitated. This included anyone involved in funding the program, as well as anyone who knew they were studying zombie viruses, but were afraid to say anything for fear of losing their job. All documentation of the project, both hardcopy and digital, was incinerated at a temperature of 2000°F, followed by radiation exposure sufficient to make the ashes lethal to all forms of life for the next 500 years.
SHAD Phase Three is now underway. NSA intelligence is being analyzed to locate and contain any Phase Three risk vectors. These vectors include:
– Scientists who believe that studying zombie viruses may lead to cures for things less apocalyptic than a zombie plague
– Military personnel who believe that zombie viruses can be weaponized effectively, either directly, or indirectly through the creation of a zombie army
– Leaders at all levels who believe the risk of catastrophe is minimal and under control, and there is no cause for alarm
Upon detection, these risk vectors will be Shot in the Head And Decapitated.
We anticipate that SHAD operations will be complete by the end of the week, and thank the public for their patience. I will now take questions.