Murder in Cydonia

In weapons of Mars destruction (WMD) news, authorities are investigating a recent nuclear bomb attack on the peace-loving people of Mars.

Dr. John Brandenburg (no relation to the concerto) of the Martian Completely Stupid Ideas Unit (CSI: Mars) believes that nuclear explosions are responsible for the massive deposits of Maybe which cover the Martian surface.

One of the supposed nuclear explosions maybe wiped out the smart civilization at Cydonia Mensa and another, smaller bomb maybe destroyed the more disorganized but happier Utopian civilization at Galaxias Chaos.

Brandenburg’s research centers around the high concentration of Maybe in the Martian atmosphere and on the surface, possibly spotted by NASA’s Mars Odyssey spacecraft.

“The Martian surface is covered with a thin layer of radioactive substances including uranium, thorium, and potassium.  The presence of radioactive potassium convinces me that Maybe the Cydonians liked bananas,” he told Fox News.  Martian banana futures soared on the news.

“Analysis of new images from the Odyssey, MRO, and Mars Express orbiters show strong evidence of eroded objects at this site,” he writes in the abstract, because there is no concrete evidence.  “Everybody knows that the only source of erosion is atom bombs.”

“Taken together, the data (erosion and the presence of elements) requires that the hypothesis of Mars as a site of a nuclear massacre must now be considered.  So, hop to it!  Start considering!  What are you waiting for?”

235C79B400000578-2843871-Dr_Brandenburg_says_evidence_for_the_explosions_exists_near_two_-10_1416567427587

The Department of Marsland Security are on the lookout for this man (pictured above), known only as “the Face of Mars”.  The Face was last seen in Cydonia in 1976.  Computer experts from CSI: Mars have used digital aging software to extrapolate the Face’s current appearance (below).

Mars_face_Global Surveyor 1998

Mars-nuclear-annihilation-deniers continue to insist that these are natural elements found everywhere.  Brandenburg points out that the presence of natural elements is proof that nuclear warfare is happening everywhere, and is a primary cause of global warming.

Dr. Brandenburg says his theory could explain the Fermi Paradox — namely why, if the universe is abundant with life, we haven’t heard anything from anyone else yet.  He warns, though, that we should be fearful of an attack on our own planet, based on the non-existent evidence.

scarlett-johansson-black-widow

Hot and/or Bright Star Scarlett Johansson (shown above using 62% of her brain to search for uranium and thorium) said Brandenburg’s theory could also explain the Gigli Paradox — namely why, if The Lone Ranger with Johnny Depp made $260 million, we haven’t ever met anyone who’s seen it.

He will lay out his research tomorrow in his talk titled “Evidence of Massive Thermonuclear Explosions in Mars Past, and Why I Should Get a Grant to Study It”.  CSI: Mars spokesman Jonathan Carter said that Brandenburg is a person of interest, and they are sifting through his psychic messages, interpreted ancient texts, and automatic writing of grant proposals for evidence of collusion with the Face of Mars.

Click here to investigate for yourself.

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