The Internet of sticky things

After Mass today, I stopped at Jersey Mike’s, a local sub place, to get lunch.  As they were making my sandwich, I noticed that their Mountain Dew dispenser was out of order.  I found this odd, because the lack of Mountain Dew did not inconvenience me in the slightest, and it has been my experience that things only break around me when it’s inconvenient.

When my sandwich was ready and I went to pay for it, the young lady at the register asked me for my loyalty card.  (Disclaimer: I find that the term “loyalty program” is something of a misnomer.  Jersey Mike’s has never been there for me, even when I needed them.  As a result, I feel free to see other restaurants.)  Anyway, I showed her my card, whereupon she told that their loyalty card processor was down.  As she explained, “We got a new internet, and this week it’s been up and down.”  (It was nice of her to ask, but you see what I mean about loyalty?)

Now, with age comes wisdom.  (Disclaimer: Wisdom not available in all models.  Some assembly required.  Additional charges may apply.  Wisdom offer void where prohibited.)  And age plus wisdom equals aphorisms, those weird little one-liners that substitute for thoughtful consideration, like “You can lead a gift horse to water, but you can’t look in his mouth,” or, “A bird in the hand makes waste.”  (Disclaimer: I couldn’t afford the high-end Age+Wisdom package, so some of my aphorisms are factory seconds and “irregulars”.)

Anyway, as they say, there are no coincidences.  (Disclaimer: “They” are idiots.  Coincidences — along with inconvenience — are the building blocks of human civilization.)   I worked in customer support for a few years long ago, so I know the kind of problems that can come up with a new installation.  I didn’t have time to fix it, but I told the girl what I thought the problem was.  “It looks like when they installed your new internet, they must have connected it to the Mountain Dew by mistake, and vice versa.  When that happens, the data gets all sticky and won’t flow to the terminal.  Try turning on the Mountain Dew.  If it smells like Spam, and keeps trying to pop up out of the cup, then that’s probably your problem.”

As the saying goes, “Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever’s left, no matter how likely, is boring.”  (Disclaimer: Hey, Occam has his razor, I have mine.)

Good deed done for the day.

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