(Disclaimer: Why is there a cat staring at a dove on my 9 of hearts? Beats me.)
A number of people have come up to me recently and asked, “John, what should I get my loved one for Valentine’s Day?” (Disclaimer: I checked with a mathematician friend of mine, and zero (0) is a number.) And I always respond “Why are you asking me? She’s your loved one. I can barely stand to be in the same room with her!”
So this year, I went to my good friends at Hammacher-Schlemmer for some holiday gift ideas. (Disclaimer: I am good friends with neither Mr. Hammacher nor Mr. Schlemmer. Based on the fact that I constantly mock their products and refuse to endorse them, I’m probably banned from their store. If they even have a store.) So here are my top 9 Valentine’s Day gift ideas. (Disclaimer: It appears that 9 is no longer a number, but has been demoted to ‘dwarf number’ status. Please plan accordingly.)
(Disclaimer: These gift ideas are primarily for Him. For Her, I don’t know. There’s a reason I’m single. Get her flowers, I guess. Girls like flowers. And maybe tell her she looks 23. Just don’t get her any of this crap, particularly if you want her to stay around.) *
Mongolian Shearling Moccasins – $79.95
These hand-sewn indoor/outdoor moccasins are made from the coats of sheep that roam the indoor/outdoor steppes of Mongolia. The leather uppers’ abrasion resistance provides years of wear, in case you have to walk on the tops of your feet for years. An EVA midsole cushions the foot during extravehicular activities such as repairing heat tiles and orbital thrusters, and the sheepskin insole can be removed when a more uncomfortable moccasin is desired. The moccasins have a waterproof thermoplastic rubber sole, keeping feet soft as a Mongolian sheep’s hoof.
Authentic Himalayan Singing Bowl $199.95
Used since 560 B.C. to invoke a deep state of relaxation, meditation, and chicken soup, this is the authentic Tibetan singing bowl. (Disclaimer: Bowl does not sing, and may not actually be from Tibet.) The bowl is hand-hammered by a guy with a hammer in his hand from gold, silver, spare change, recycled beer cans, and stuff we found on a beach outside Kathmandu with our metal detector, ensuring every bowl is at least partially Himalayan. Etched on the side of the bowl is “Om mani padme hum,” a Buddhist mantra which probably means, “Almost done polishing your nails, Queen Amidala. I’ll just sing quietly to myself while I finish.” Running the wooden striker along the rim creates complex, harmonic tones with subtle variations that differ from singing in almost every way. Tapping the bowl with the striker generates a bell sound that signifies that your host is about to invite the Dalai Lama to say a few words.
Authentic Laguiole Champagne Sabre $199.95
This is an authentic French champagne sabre, first used to open champagne bottles in dramatic fashion when celebrating battle victories by Napoleon’s elite Legion d’Corkscrews armies. In the hands of a skilled sommelier, the sabre opens bottles with minimal loss of champagne when the bottle is struck. In your hands, the sabre opens veins with minimal damage to your surroundings, save for the initial celebratory spout of blood, champagne, glass shards, and severed fingertips when the bottle is struck (as shown above). The blade is hand-forged from stainless steel so it repels blood stains, and the handle is hand carved from ebony wood, preferred for its ability to hide blood stains.
The Best Heated Blanket $69.95 – $129.95
This heated blanket earned The Best rating from the Hammacher-Schlemmer Institute of Blanket Rating after tests proved it to be the kindest, warmest, bravest most wonderful blanket they had ever known. The Best model had more numbers associated with it (5.54, 240, and 36, just to name a few) than other blankets. And it withstood repeated cycles in a washing machine (up to 2) before pilling or fraying. Perfect for keeping other blankets warm (as shown above). Includes the following clues from the classic $25,000 Pyramid game show: Garnet, Lagoon, Mushroom, Walnut, Sand. (Disclaimer: it might be Things You Find on an Episode of Survivor, but I’m not sure. I’ve never seen the show.)
The Build And Demolish Destruction Set $39.95
This kit lets young terrorists construct an infinite number of buildings before demolishing the structures with a triple-blast detonator. Winner of the Oppenheimer Platinum Award for Most Likely to Become Death, the Destroyer of Worlds, the set invites builders to design their own warehouse, factory, or other productive allocation of capital and resources. Once the structure is erected, the only thing more fun for adolescent psychopaths like Billy here is to blow it up, which is accomplished by placing spring-loaded blasters throughout the building, then issuing a statement blaming cartoons or Wall Street or whale hunting for your acts of wanton destruction. Includes instructional guide with sample manifesto and 3 AA batteries. Perfect for the child that needs help figuring out how to knock things over.
The Celebrity Robotic Avatar $345,000
The only robot admitted to the Screen Actors Guild due to a clerical error, this is the adult-sized robotic avatar that has appeared in movies you’ve never seen, television programs that got canceled after three episodes, and music videos for songs you can’t stand. The robot is controlled via an intuitive wireless remote that is small enough to escape detection, making it impossible to find when friends come over. The robot engages in clever impromptu banter with guests (requires clever impromptu banterer – not included). LEDs in his mouth light as he talks, giving his speech a more natural quality, just like your mother’s mouth lights up while she’s talking. His rechargeable batteries provide 3-4 hours of entertainment for people who are entertained by rechargeable batteries.
The Maui Pocket Xaphoon $119.95
Popularized by Dr. Seuss in the classic children’s book Horton Hears a Xaphoon, this is the woodwind small enough to fit in your pocket yet large enough to snap like a twig if you sit on it. Great for people who don’t have a truck big enough to haul around a regular xaphoon. Designed by drunk artisans who originally handcrafted them by gluing a xylophone to a bassoon, this version produces a sound that precisely matches the mating call of the Eastern Maui Rainforest Xaphoon. Play the xaphoon anywhere you think people want to hear xaphoon music, or play ‘xaphoon’ in any Scrabble game when all you have is an A, H, N, P, X, and two O’s, to earn up to fifty-seven (57) points on a triple word score. (Disclaimer: ‘Xaphoon’ not found in any dictionary. Sound really confident when playing.) Made from durable injection-molded ABS (anti-lock brake system) plastic. (Caution: May lock while braking.) Made in the U.S. since 1959, when Hawaii became part of the U.S.
The Precision LED Pain Reliever – $159.95
Using technology developed by NASA to make computers look cooler on TV than they do in real life, this device’s 60 LEDs produce safe infrared light to brighten blood circulation, light up swelling, and illuminate muscles in small areas, such as the hall closet or your crawlspace. It also emits some red stuff that might be smoke, or maybe red kryptonite. A study at the Children’s Hospital of Wisconsin in Milwaukee showed that children as young as 8 could see that only 4 of the LEDs actually light up. The LED light penetrates the skin for lasting relief from knee darkness, night elbow, or even Solar Plexus Eclipse (SPE). The device is placed exactly 1/4″ from the skin and begins to relieve pain in as few as three week-long treatments, provided that you don’t move.
The Wide Coverage LED Pain Reliever $199.95
Based on a study at the Children’s Hospital of Wisconsin in Milwaukee that showed the old model only had 4 working LEDs, this device adds 12 more LEDs, and emits even more red kryptonite smoke, providing the equivalent pain relief of 72 TV remote controls or the mouths of 8 celebrity robot avatars. Enough to relieve even your worst case of Vantablack shin, the wide coverage is perfect for when you aren’t precisely sure what hurts. This device can be placed on the skin to penetrate deep into tissue for lasting third degree burns. The included strap holds it in place, meaning you don’t have to use your hand to hold it in place. (Disclaimer: We never got this to work. Maybe you’ll have better luck.) The built-in fan dissipates excessive warmth. You know, the kind of excessive warmth given off by light-emitting diodes.
* Maybe get Her a xaphoon. I bet chicks dig xaphoons.
Update: This is Xaphoon Jones. His parents named him Xaphoon. Your parents didn’t. Thank them.