Fortune favors the Swift

In pop geopolitical news, a study released by the Fortune Institute for Ranking Great Leadership has named singer Taylor Swift the greatest female leader.

The timing of the announcement is curious, coming two days before Pope Francis called for multilateral talks among leaders of the Fortune 6 Great Powers (Apple, the European Bank, China, the Vatican, India, and Taylor Swift) to discuss rising tensions between Ms. Swift and neighboring India.  Indian prime minister Narendra Modi has expressed alarm at the sudden rise in greatness of Taylor Swift and concern that her combination of power and great leadership could be felt as far away as Beijing and Cupertino by next year. India has been conducting military exercises along its border with Taylor Swift.

The United Nations has downplayed the power of Taylor Swift (above), once thought to be limited making her eyes glow and talking to sea turtles.  However, the discovery of great leadership from the singer, who celebrated the 25th anniversary of her founding in December, became clear after she successfully crossed swords with Spotify.

Author’s Note: I’m pretty sure Spotify is a gentle shampoo for getting tough stains out of Dalmatians and leopards.  I’m not sure why a great leader like Taylor Swift would spend time fencing with it.

triciahelfer

Swift came in at number six on the overall list.  In past years, Cylon Tricia Helfer and Prisoner Patrick McGoohan have also held the role of Number 6.  In a press statement, Ms. Helfer (above) praised the decision.  “As a tall, hot blonde with glowing eyes, I am gratified to see Fortune recognize the great leadership of tall, hot blondes with glowing eyes, some of whom have been leading men on for years!”

In an interview, McGoohan (below) told reporters, “I am not a number!  I am a free man!” The statement was greeted with laughter.  His spokesman later claimed that the media had taken his comments out of context.  “What Mr. McGoohan actually said was, ‘I am not a tall, hot blonde with glowing eyes!  I am a deceased man!  I passed away in 2009!  Quit interviewing me!'”

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Joanne Liu, president of Doctors Without Borders (Docteurs sans Bordeurs in French) was much more positive, telling reporters, “We approve of the borderless nature of Taylor Swift.  If she had a doctorate, she would have our complete support.”

U.S. President Barack Obama announced that he was close to reaching a deal with Taylor Swift to prevent her from developing nuclear weapons.  Under the terms of the deal, the U.S. would suggest that it was OK for her to build nuclear weapons if she agreed to say that she hadn’t decided whether to use them or not.

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During a 2014 summit with fellow great leader Jimmy Fallon (above), Ms. Swift indicated that she was committed to the peaceful use of nuclear power to make her eyes glow like that.

Next month, Taylor Swift, Tricia Helfer, and Kate Upton (below) will lead a delegation of tall, hot blondes with glowing eyes to Ukraine to ease tensions between the warring factions. Their efforts will be documented in next month’s Sports Illustrated Diplomatic Envoy issue.

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Click here to see the full list.

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