What the heck’s in a name?

Not to be too judgmental (WARNING: Extremely judgmental post ahead), but one of the most important tasks of a new parent is naming your child.  That name will be with a child for a long time, and could have a profound impact on a child’s emotional and psychological development, as well as limiting their choice of vocation in the future.

I’m not talking about trendy Hollywood idiots who name their children Apple or North or even Dweezil.  They can live in trendy hipster enclaves and get trendy hipster careers in colour science and technology or goat arousal, although their options in the real world can be limited.  (Good luck winning a seat on the Omaha City Council if your parents named you Moon Unit Lynn Anderson.)

I’m not even talking about clueless simpletons like Lord Marmaduke Scrumptious and the lovely Lady Scrumptious.  Go ahead and name your daughter Truly Scrumptious.  You’ll get your comeuppance on prom night.

No, I’m looking at you, Bob and Margaret De Vil of Columbus, Ohio.  Of all the names in the baby book, you decided on Cruella?  Your last name already looks and sounds like “devil”.  Never mind being elected Municipal County Clerk.  You’ve pretty much guaranteed your daughter a lifetime of “poor attitude”, detention, shady boyfriends, and making coats out of dalmatians.  I hope you’re pleased with yourselves.

Editor’s Note: Many states allow you to apply to the courts for a change of name.  If your last name looks and sounds like “devil”, you might want to look into it.  This also applies if your last name happens to be Von Doom or Sinestro.  You’ll thank me later.