I am become App, the Destroyer of Sleep

Around 10:30 morning I received a text from an unknown number, indicating I was 9 minutes late for a video chat with my friend Laura.  As I did not have a video chat scheduled with Laura, and the text had come from a number in South Dakota (a state known for Laura not being there), I texted her directly to find out if she had sent me an invite to some weird new social media platform.

She indicated that she had not, and that “these are the first text messages I’ve sent today and I haven’t been on any social media.”

I was surprised by her response.  You see, Laura is a Millennial.  As I understand it, Millennials exist on a sort of virtual Island, and if you don’t press the ‘Send’ button every 108 minutes, the Internet (represented by Oceanic flight 815, above) will crash.

When I asked how it was possible for her to still be unconnected at 10:30AM, she replied that she had slept in.

While I applaud her for catching up on much needed Zzz’s, I found myself wondering if there was some way to stay in touch with the digital world without the need to remain conscious.  (Disclaimer: Other than Twitter).

To meet this “need”, I envision the creation of two new apps.

The first is an app which will allow Millennials who talk in their sleep to stream their unintelligible mumbling directly to their friends.  I call this app Napchat.  (Disclaimer: The name Napster was taken.)

The other app allows Millennials to post pictures of themselves not having gotten out of bed yet, so they don’t have to respond to texts.  I call this app Slumblr.

As I write this, I feel a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of sleepless Millennials suddenly reached for their iPhones, and went to bed.

Author’s Note: I have already inadvertently caused my phone’s auto-complete function to begin suggesting the words Napchat and Slumblr.  We are doomed.

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