(Disclaimer: This is not an endorsement. As I said last winter, I wouldn’t buy this stuff with money I found in the street. Your money may vary.)
After my recent misadventure with the time-space continuum, I started wondering whether there was any sort of device I could use to help me navigate these trying times. Fortunately, there’s help. My good friends at Hammacher-Schlemmer have been sending me e-mail offers since 2013, so I know there’s a world of gift ideas for the time-challenged among us. With that in mind, I offer the following gift ideas from the H-S Temporal Obfuscation catalog, home of the original Faceless Watch (above).
The Classic Calculator Keypad Watch $59.99
Simply press any key, and white LEDs behind the corresponding numbers will illuminate, in order to show the hour and minute. 0-6-4-5, for example, means 6:45, or 6:54, or 4:56, or maybe 5:46. Pressing the pound sign reveals the month and day using the same method. 1-2-3, for example, means January 23rd, or possibly December 3rd. Its chunky plastic keycaps recall the ugly design of the world’s first handheld calculator, while the order of the numbers mirrors the layout of IBM’s seminal Model M keypad, which didn’t have a pound sign, because it wasn’t a telephone. The links in the silicone strap resemble a chain of space bars (Quark’s, Ten-Forward, the Cantina from Star Wars, etc.), unless you look at them, or are familiar with bars in space.
The Tick Mark Wristwatch $99.95
This wristwatch has 28 LEDs that illuminate in sequence to indicate the time, date, and day of the week in some weird form of digital cuneiform that linguists have been unable to translate. Two vertical rows of blue LEDs match with numbers etched into the watch face, which would make the LEDs superfluous if the etched numbers could be seen without a microscope (not included). As the time elapses, the corresponding LEDs illuminate to create an ever-changing display of meaningless tick marks. (10:15 is shown above, according to UFO crackpots who believe ancient aliens built the Pyramids using base-28 math.)