Look, I’m as tolerant of lactose as the next guy (Disclaimer: maybe the guy after that — I don’t really know the next guy), but this time the damned pro-lactose activists (“lactivists”) have gone too far! Nogging up perfectly good rum for Christmas is one thing, but I say we put the carbonated grape juice and drunken louts back in New Year’s Eve! What’s next? Wine mixed into cheese? Who’s with me?
Earlier today, I stumbled upon a Facebook “discussion” about whether the reindeer that stands next to Blitzen is named “Donner” or “Donder”. My friend Dan opined that the correct name is Donder, which means “thunder” in German, to go along with Blitzen, which means “lightning”. My friend Mookie countered that Donner means “thunder” in Dutch, to go along with Blitzen, which means “lightning” in Dutch.
I have no position on this issue, other than to point out that this is what Facebook should be used for, rather than most of the things people use it for.
However, my brain, with malice aforethought, conjured up the following response:
In the Old West, the word Donner means “cannibal”, as in “A bunch of us went to a Donner party last weekend, but I was the only one to make it home in one piece.”
Thankfully, Christmas vacation is right around the corner. I clearly need it.
Side note: When I first started this post, I wrote that I had “overheard” the conversation. Since Facebook is (mercifully) silent, I decided to change the wording. It was at that moment that it occurred to me that “overhearing” something has a very different connotation than “overseeing” something.
Corollary: It was my friend Mookie who first pointed out to me that while the words terrify and horrify are synonyms, the words terrific and horrific are not.
(Editor’s Note: The statement above is not a corollary in any way, shape or form. Not even a little bit. It is at best a non sequitur, and at worst a hallucination. We regret the error.)