Threat assessment

Since I started this blog last year, people often come up to me and ask, “Why are you so concerned about the monkey apocalypse?”  (Disclaimer: No one has ever come up to me and asked me this question.)  “Why not be concerned about more tangible, immediate threats, like government spying by the NSA and the IRS?”  (Disclaimer: The IRS and NSA are valuable organizations that fund the government and protect us from terrorism, respectively.  Neither of these crucial missions would be furthered by sending a drone to my house.)

The main reason I don’t worry about massive intelligence gathering is that it never seems to result in any intelligence.  Once you start putting together enough bits of data, you can create any picture you like, and the chances that it will be correct are nearly infinitesimal.

Let me give you an example.  As you know, the total sum of human knowledge is owned by three companies: Microsoft (which controls everyone who doesn’t like Apple), Apple (which controls everyone who doesn’t like Microsoft), and Google (which controls the flow of information between Apple/Microsoft and us mere humans).  (Disclaimer: This is a sign of a utopian society.  Please do not send an e-drone (or an Apple iDrone for that matter) to my house.)

Everything and everyone on Earth gets its information from this electronic infrastructure.  (Disclaimer: Everyone in the Kepler Space Empire still gets their information from TV signals we broadcast in the 1950s.)  In spite of this, I have been receiving a spate (more than a smidgen, less than a plethora) of e-mails which clearly indicate that the hive mind is drunk-dialing me.

For the past few months, LinkedIn has been notifying me that my various contacts have “recommended” me for my proficiency in certain skills.  The most common of these skills is “device drivers”.  Device drivers are the software that interacts directly with computer hardware (spin the CDROM drive, notice that the mouse moved, etc.).   In more than three decades as a software engineer, I have never worked on device drivers, and yet I have multiple recommendations from former co-workers, many of whom have watched me never work on device drivers.  More to the point, I have also received device driver recommendations from a woman I studied financial planning with and the decorator who remodeled my house.  Coincidentally, none of these people actually remembers making the recommendation.

The risk that any person or (apologies to Harold Finch) Machine can extract useful information out of that much data debris is well within my comfort zone.  The thing I’m most worried about is that some shadowy government black-budget entity will ask me to fix their device drivers.


Add one more to the list of companies cooperating in domestic surveillance.  There’s a sign at the Goodberry’s near my house:

Everyday Flavors

NSA Vanilla

Don’t you just hate it when bugs get into your food?

Disclaimer: Welcome to the spybots from our good friends at the NSA, a delicious and refreshing part of any government.  Please do not put listening devices in my coffee at Starbucks. 

Clarification re: Spamming Gliese 526

It has been pointed out to me that an earlier post on the Lone Signal project to send crowd-sourced messages to Gliese 526 indicated that there were no planets orbiting Gliese 526, and yet warned of a possible invasion by the Gliesians.  This was not intended to confirm the existence of hostile sentient life on the surface of Gliese 526 itself.

The statement was intended to warn about the possibility of the signals being intercepted by the GNSA (Gliesian National Security Agency) on neighboring Gliese 527, which may possibly have more hostile intentions that the friendly, peaceloving star dwellers of Gliese 526, whose existence I am still not confirming.

I regret the confusion.

Disclaimer: I would like to welcome the spybots of the National Security Agency, whose attention was attracted by oblique references to the NSA.  As is well known, the NSA is famous for enjoying a little good-natured ribbing from time to time.  Please do not send an IRS drone to my house.