Cutting the hand that feeds you

(Note: This is part 2 of a longer story.  Parts 1, 3, and 4 are here, here, and here.)

A few weeks ago I went to the doctor about something called “trigger finger”.  He gave me an extremely painful shot of corticosteroids to fix the problem.  Unfortunately, it gave out after about a month.  Now I have to decide the next step, so I’m doing what I never do in situations like this: making a list of the pros and cons of each option.

Option 1: More shots

Pros: works for a while

Cons: extremely painful; not a permanent solution

Option 2: Hand surgery

Pros: one-time fix; short recovery time; less painful than steroid shots

Cons: temporary loss of use of right hand; scar could be mistaken for stigmata

Option 3: Handectomy – replace with hook

Pros: Makes great back scratcher; hooks (like bowties and fezzes) are cool

Cons: Harder to type using hunt-and-hook system; modern piracy 85% less romantic than pirate movies; high potential for accidental scratches to self, friends and paint jobs

Option 4: Handectomy – replace with bionic hand

Pros: Optional features (laser pointer, extra fingers, cup warmer)

Cons: Stuff (cups, hands, etc.) accidentally crushed at first; not covered by insurance;  may require term of service in secret government organization

Option 5: Hand transplant

Pros: Eliminates crushing and hooking problems (see above); provides more natural look and feel

Cons: Unsightly wrist scar requires ugly bracelet or tattoo to cover; hand donor pool made up of 64% serial killers, 36% thieves; 92% of donated hands eventually turn rogue and kill or steal again

Decisions, decisions…

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