(Disclaimer: Why is there a cat staring at a dove on my 9 of hearts? Beats me.)
A number of people have come up to me recently and asked, “John, what should I get my loved one for Valentine’s Day?” (Disclaimer: I checked with a mathematician friend of mine, and zero (0) is a number.) And I always respond “Why are you asking me? She’s your loved one. I can barely stand to be in the same room with her!”
So this year, I went to my good friends at Hammacher-Schlemmer for some holiday gift ideas. (Disclaimer: I am good friends with neither Mr. Hammacher nor Mr. Schlemmer. Based on the fact that I constantly mock their products and refuse to endorse them, I’m probably banned from their store. If they even have a store.) So here are my top 9 Valentine’s Day gift ideas. (Disclaimer: It appears that 9 is no longer a number, but has been demoted to ‘dwarf number’ status. Please plan accordingly.)
(Disclaimer: These gift ideas are primarily for Him. For Her, I don’t know. There’s a reason I’m single. Get her flowers, I guess. Girls like flowers. And maybe tell her she looks 23. Just don’t get her any of this crap, particularly if you want her to stay around.) *
Mongolian Shearling Moccasins – $79.95
These hand-sewn indoor/outdoor moccasins are made from the coats of sheep that roam the indoor/outdoor steppes of Mongolia. The leather uppers’ abrasion resistance provides years of wear, in case you have to walk on the tops of your feet for years. An EVA midsole cushions the foot during extravehicular activities such as repairing heat tiles and orbital thrusters, and the sheepskin insole can be removed when a more uncomfortable moccasin is desired. The moccasins have a waterproof thermoplastic rubber sole, keeping feet soft as a Mongolian sheep’s hoof.
Authentic Himalayan Singing Bowl $199.95
Used since 560 B.C. to invoke a deep state of relaxation, meditation, and chicken soup, this is the authentic Tibetan singing bowl. (Disclaimer: Bowl does not sing, and may not actually be from Tibet.) The bowl is hand-hammered by a guy with a hammer in his hand from gold, silver, spare change, recycled beer cans, and stuff we found on a beach outside Kathmandu with our metal detector, ensuring every bowl is at least partially Himalayan. Etched on the side of the bowl is “Om mani padme hum,” a Buddhist mantra which probably means, “Almost done polishing your nails, Queen Amidala. I’ll just sing quietly to myself while I finish.” Running the wooden striker along the rim creates complex, harmonic tones with subtle variations that differ from singing in almost every way. Tapping the bowl with the striker generates a bell sound that signifies that your host is about to invite the Dalai Lama to say a few words.
A Labor of Like 