Spoiler alert II

CDC Spokesman:

At approximately 1230 hours on Tuesday, October 14th, sensors at the National Irresponsible Research Laboratory in Chicago reported an Expected Apocalypse Event involving a lethal biological agent.  The incident has been traced to a lone researcher who accidentally shattered a vial of zombie virus while eating his lunch.  Per standard procedure, the laboratory was instantly sealed from all outside contact, and the laboratory automated sensor system immediately began analyzing the environment for any pathogens.

Upon verification of exposure by automated and manual systems, the CDC triggered Phase One of its SHAD Protocol.  As a Phase One risk factor, the exposed researcher was immediately Shot in the Head And Decapitated by the cleanroom’s Containment Drone.  The contents of the room were subsequently incinerated at a temperature of 2000°F, followed by radiation exposure sufficient to make the surrounding area lethal to all forms of life for the next 500 years.

Survival skills

I have no realistic chance of surviving even your basic apocalypse.  Whether it’s zombies or aliens or robots from space, I’m probably going out in the first wave.

You see, I lack basic survival skills.  I can’t hunt or fish.  I can’t shoot straight.  I can’t swim or run very fast.  I am a software engineer, which means that my main value to society expires when the lights go out.  (Disclaimer: the “value” of software engineers to modern society is still under review.  Just go with me on this.)

As a result, my post-civilization job prospects basically come down to 1) crazy old man who sits around the campfire telling the children stories about the old days when giant metal birds flew around and music came out of little boxes; or 2) crazy old man who lives in a cave and talks to himself about giant metal birds that flew around and music that came out of little boxes.

So I don’t really mind not surviving the apocalypse.  Not just because I’ll be obsolete.  The real reason is that, based on a scientific survey of what’s on TV this week, apocalypse survivors are really horrible human beings.  They’re constantly swearing and yelling and fighting and shooting each other like there’s no tomorrow.  (OK, there isn’t, but that’s not the point!)  Be they the last remnants of humanity, or just a bunch of people stuck on a ship at the far edge of the galaxy, doomed people never seem to find the bright side of being doomed.  (Note: need to find a bright side to being doomed and insert here before posting.)