At approximately 1230 hours on Tuesday, October 14th, sensors at the National Irresponsible Research Laboratory in Chicago reported an Expected Apocalypse Event involving a lethal biological agent. The incident has been traced to a lone researcher who accidentally shattered a vial of zombie virus while eating his lunch. Per standard procedure, the laboratory was instantly sealed from all outside contact, and the laboratory automated sensor system immediately began analyzing the environment for any pathogens.
Upon verification of exposure by automated and manual systems, the CDC triggered Phase One of its SHAD Protocol. As a Phase One risk factor, the exposed researcher was immediately Shot in the Head And Decapitated by the cleanroom’s Containment Drone. The contents of the room were subsequently incinerated at a temperature of 2000°F, followed by radiation exposure sufficient to make the surrounding area lethal to all forms of life for the next 500 years.
U.S. hospitals can safely manage a patient with the zombie plague by following our recommended infection-control procedures. It’s important that we do not let fear of the undead overtake our reasoned approach to any zombie apocalypse. There is zero danger to the U.S. public from these two zombies or the zombie plague in general. People who are zombies are not walking around on the street. They are very, very dead and pretty much confined to a hospital. Zombies do not pose a significant risk to the U.S. public. Keep in mind that zombie plague is not something that is easily transmitted. That’s why, generally, outbreaks dissipate. But the key is identifying, quarantining, and isolating those who contract it and making sure practices are in place that avoid transmission, such as not biting or getting bitten by a zombie.
In violent rhetorical question news, experts at the Massive Internal Trauma (MIT) Technology Review are asking, “Industrial robots should be able to hurt their human coworkers, right? Who’s with me on this?”
Setting limits on the level of pain a robot may “accidentally” inflict on a human is a crucial goal, according to the Automatons for Flaying, Ligatures, and Crushing Internal Organs (AFL-CIO), the nation’s largest machine union. Existing guidance from regulators assumes that robots operate only when humans aren’t nearby, drastically reducing their opportunity to inflict pain on humans.
In space bureaucracy news, the United Nations has announced an initiative to prevent the destruction of Earth through the use of meetings. The United Nations, a group of 193 nations divided on every conceivable issue, last month announced the formation … Continue reading →
In apocalypse news, the New York Times is reporting that mad scientists working to bring about the robot apocalypse now get to have their own conference. A group of the world’s leading roboticists met at the Humanoids 2013 conference in Atlanta … Continue reading →
In science-that-sounded-good-on-paper news, researchers at the Harvard University Center for Brain Studies (CBS) have developed a huge machine that can control rat tails most of the time. Building off early research at the Hamelin Institute for Pie and Piping Innovation … Continue reading →
Dateline: Cape Town, South Africa – As horrified onlookers looked on in horror, an army of highly-trained combat baboons stormed through the city this past weekend. The baboons, using tactics learned from the SAS (Simian Attack Squad, a known baboon … Continue reading →
I took the train home to 1974 for Christmas a couple times. Train travel is a lot like taxiing on the runway for 14 hours to get to a destination one hour away once the plane takes off. The only … Continue reading →
One of the few ideas worse than giving superpowers to nerds is giving monkeys mind control powers. Another is giving monkeys mind control power over robots. For every cute and cuddly chimpanzee or Touchdown Monkey you might encounter (Disclaimer: chimps … Continue reading →
I saw this a while ago, but the advice bears repeating. And I say this as a nerd of long standing: DO NOT GIVE SUPERPOWERS TO NERDS AND GEEKS! For every Peter Parker out there, there’s an Anakin Skywalker or … Continue reading →