In big news, Science was caught on an open microphone suggesting that space aliens are enormous, causing a firestorm of controversy that threatens the relationship between Science and the space alien community.

In a paper, cosmologist Fergus Simpson quoted Science as saying that aliens, if they exist, are likely huge, with an average weight of 650 pounds, or about 6 Kate Beckinsales *(shown below)*. The argument relies on a mathematical model that assumes organisms on other planets don’t care what you say about them, as long as you have a mathematical model.

One representative of the alien community *(top, right)* denied that his race were interstellar behemoths, or that they exist, insisting that they were standing next to some deceptively small trees when the picture was taken. The alien was granted anonymity because he was self-conscious about his size. “Don’t look at me, I’m huge! And I don’t exist!” he said.

In a hastily arranged press conference, Simpson said that Science had been taken out of context. “All Science was saying is that, throughout the universe, there are likely more small animals than large ones. There are many small ants, for example, but far fewer whales or elephants. Therefore, aliens are huge, QED!”

“I think the average size calculation is reasonable,” says Duncan Forgan, a scientist at the University of St. Andrews who wasn’t involved in the paper. “But then again, I wasn’t involved in the paper. I’m not even sure what paper you’re talking about. I’m just trying to find the Petheram Bridge car park. Stop interviewing me!” As reporters chased him to his car, Forgan shouted that the paper “doesn’t address the correlation between body mass and the planet’s surface gravity,” before he tried to run them down and flee the scene.

The gaffe drew swift criticism from Hot and Bright Star Danica McKellar* (shown above improving the self-esteem of teenage girls at the Barbizon School of Mathematical Modeling). * McKellar, who is one of the world’s foremost experts on giant **cosmic butterflies**, told reporters that her mathematical models say intelligent aliens could be as small as 3 Kiera Knightleys *(below). * “And this mathematical model is so powerful and self-assured that if you change this 3 to an 8, you can prove that global warming is creating ants the size of elephants, without having to use any Science at all!”

Researcher Seth Shostak says the paper reminded him of previous work he had done suggesting that any extraterrestrials we might eventually find would be on the larger side. “It’s interesting, but there’s really no concrete data to work with. Science also didn’t take into account any kind of evolutionary theories. Add in that whole bit about body mass and surface gravity, and it becomes clear that Science is just being kind of a jerk.” He explained that Science likes to cultivate this bad-boy persona because it drives mathematical models wild.

Shostak, a researcher for the Science, Engineering and Technology Insults (SETI) Institute, took a gratuitous swipe at the Ursine-American community. “Polar bears are large but do not write great literature and build radio towers,” he slandered. When asked what that had to do with intelligent aliens, he admitted that he was simply trying to get the attention of Danica McKellar and her hot mathematical model friends. Ms. McKellar later said that she found his comments offensive and intriguing.